I didn’t want it to be so hard and I didn’t ever want to feel so overwhelmingly lost. But most of all I never wanted to feel as though I’d lost my mind in a million ways, or that it all needed to be about me, me, me. If I do lose the people I care about owing to this thing then I need them to know that NO PART OF ME WANTED TO MAKE IT EVER THIS HARD. For me, or them. There really does feel like there was no choice. No part of me ever wanted to truly do anything other than to live with a mind that wasn’t bombarded and in such an exhausting and excruciating and, quite honestly, impossible way. I’ll never quit. Quit trying to live with something that will only ever be seen by anyone else, and told to me, as being illogical and all in the imbalance of the brain. I want my nearest and dearest to know that ever since I was eleven, when this thing seemed to take me over almost entirely and in ways I will never be able to truly explain or describe, that all I wanted, like anyone else, I can only assume, was to work hard, to enjoy my time around work and my family and friends, to look after everyone as best as I can. And to utterly enjoy the whole thing – with both good times and the bad, whatever that might’ve and still might turn out to mean 😃
