Memories, which, for me, it has to be said, have been rather obliterated, I guess you could safely say. I mean, I am letting them come to the fore once more – like what happens with most people, from what I can see, and hear, them say. But… when you have lived a life of OCD anxiety, and try and fight it every single day, hour, minute of said life, everything becomes… blurred and inactive in your mind. Although, I do sometimes recall certain things in my childhood, etc. But not yet in a striking sense or anything. I do know what I need to do with the OCD – one hundred percent – but that is so very difficult, so very outlandishly hard-hitting on the brain. Painful, which I have stated a number of times in posts on my website before. But, all in all, and you KNOW IT SO FUCKING DAMN WELL… you can only ever ‘recover’ to a comfortable extent with the OCD by… letting the imbalance do its damnedest. And, by that, I mean the ruminations and compulsions chaotically shatter-crashing throughout the part of your brain whereby it is glaringly obvious to anyone else who isn’t missing that necessary connection that you are being irrationally anxious right now for no apparent reason. These are all decisions which people get to grow into with time and, inevitably, make for themselves. But, for an OCD-sufferer. For me, it is not just about being calm going into each day, it is utterly about learning how to be any level of anxious or fearful that you naturally begin to feel. I cannot dream about being free of it anymore, I cannot watch my beautifully… different as a result of the diagnosis, I can only figure it to be, mindset and personality witness itself become antagonized by OCD and, therefore, it getting caught-up in a world of agonizing, paralyzing and mind-destroying ruminations anymore. I am proud, SO FUCKING OUTRIGHT PROUD!! But it is seriously hard to find yourself to even feel such an emotion when your brain is also hijacked by said illness/diagnosis, whichever you want to fucking call it. ‘It’, though, is not actually a thing – it is, courageously put, an imbalance of the brain. The rest of it? A misfiring and miscalculation of information. I.e. eventual overload of the brain. My mind will ALWAYS BE MINE. My brain, too, obviously, however, you do need a well-working brain to let your mind thrive and survive and succeed, right?

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