When you have OCD life can be atrociously taken from you and in the blink of an eye. It’s most probably no real shocker to a lot of people that I have said disorder and it utterly blows my mind – quite literally too – that this is something which I have to take severe care of. But something that really intrigues and frustrates me in crazy kinds of ways is that following a reading or other, the imbalance seems to at least dissipate to a very extreme extent in me. When the balance is off, however, it can be quite honestly living hell inside of my mind wherein I fail to be able to take myself away from this irrational interruption. You are pleaded with by only ever supportive folk not to talk about it with people, and for a person with such an alarming case, I think I have done well in that particular regard. It is the thing that I wish was furthest from my mind in the world, the thing which will not sit with you but rather trample over your everything like the most behemoth elephant in the room… of your brain. You get paranoid because your decision making process is tilted so far from the normal course of working that it really is outrageous. I have given my all to reconfigure or to ‘simply’ settle this thing in me and the excruciation knows no bounds whatsoever. You catastrophise and actually lose yourself in some ways and forget that not only can you not foresee and halt absolute disaster from occurring but even if something bad does occur it isn’t the end of the world. My OCD truly does make me believe it is. You are so far tugged from your true reality and nature that you have to climb your way back. When you hear people say to you “take it slow”, you cannot believe that all they ever will tell you is they hope it is okay. Or that you are toying with your own safety and health in life. No, it’s not okay, it’s pissing on my personality in ways you couldn’t dare, and neither would you want to, fathom. For a person who may have been ignored by their own family and friends because they couldn’t understand your pain, I am so very sorry for that happening to you. I know you did and still do everything to fix it, and if it left you homeless or otherwise then I now know exactly why I always wonder when I see a homeless person on the street. You are incredible and undeserving. You won at life in the most misunderstood way in so far as handling this goes 😉 I would do anything to fix you. Anything. An unsupportive family will destroy a person with OCD and as I write this note I still cannot believe I have this thing to deal with. My family are exceptional. One such way and ONE WAY ONLY is to sit with OCD and face it – to walk through these flames of deceit and force-fed lies that your imbalance feeds you at ferocious speed. Trying to do that is the scariest thing on earth because you are literally walking blind-minded. Imagine that happening while a good friend wants to know how your day was: “well, my particularly peculiar day was pummelled to the floor and I’m afraid I cannot quite settle myself enough in this moment to let you know how it has been.” I want to establish to people that the only time you will have OCD is when the pain is unmatched, people joke but it’s hardly their fault, I’m sure I’d use it in jest too… if I didn’t have it – but it’s not needing to align cola cans in a fridge, or keeping perfect symmetry. Well, yes, the second one it may well be, but unfortunately to an extent for me that everything has to make symmetrical sense. You cannot explain what are the spikes, as in what the obsessions and compulsions that take your case to the point of no return most of the time are, but when it all needs to be answered – EVERYTHING and ahead of time – I think you might perhaps be able to try and conceive the surreal feelings and nature of what really is a monster imbalance in your otherwise perfectly working brain. Also, I’m more than aware of the irony in that sentence as ‘perfection’ and ‘perfect’ are words that seriously make me feel uncomfortable. I get the meanings but neither do people get that my perspective on these words has been totally focused upon in a heightened analytical form. Also, my punctuation is off in many ways only because I haven’t had the time to sit for long enough and to concentrate on doing one chunk of a thing such as actually reading up on punctuation, and so I’m just relying on my gut instinct with that and my sentences are often hard to get because I’m in the next sentence while writing the previous one – it’s really hard to let your writing go when you wonder how good you might be if you could just slow that pace. I’ve had to guess and break lines and trust, as I say, what works for a reader’s imagination – if not grammatically one hundred percent, then as close to debatable whereby I can explain my meaning. But the good thing is that there’s no cliche case of me not being able to write when settled – it seems to still work no problem. Take the writing though, take these amazing people and compliments away – all of it – just for peace for myself, and I mean that… of course I do! I do hope that I’ll be okay because what I have managed to do with this thing, I believe anyhow, is quite extraordinary but I think it’s time I started to feel all of these wonderful things happening for myself. I never asked to have to wake up at three in the morning and spend hours trying to ignore something only then to be given a doctor’s book about it that informs you that ignoring it is in fact not a good idea. There is literally no professionally well-configured explanation of a correct nature and sufferers are beside themselves when a doctor tells them that they don’t quite understand this thing yet. And the sufferer does!!? Just give me some sort of a map, please. I never gave up, not for a second, and that will forever be my greatest achievement :)))))

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