It’s not that I don’t want to be the very best that I can be, it’s just that lately there seems to be a serious lack of motivation in my life. I don’t have the bounce in my step that everyone really does need to have. Having come out the safer side of a severe mental health issue, I’m nowhere near thankful enough to the Gods, or whoever it was, whatever it was that pulled me away from the seemingly never-ending pain. I’m resting on my laurels at a time in my life when I should be reaching for the stars, absolutely. Okay, maybe I do have some sort of an excuse in that for the most part of my young life I have suffered from OCD – the kind that doesn’t include physical acts of repetition but rather mental ones, mental ones wherein I have felt for a long time the dire need to convince myself that everything will be alright. Of course, this is an impossibility for any one person, but there is perfection-seeking and then there is this, and 4 months inside of a psychiatric ward a couple of years back doesn’t even come close to delivering to you the level of agony my mind has had to endure. Twenty years of comstant anxiety, an overriding belief that all was not well with the world even when it may well have been may just be what horror movies are made of. My friends didn’t really get it, heck, I didn’t really get it. But now I’m walking away from it I still seem to unable to stop and take awhile in remembering just how Goddamn far I’ve come. How lucky I am to be right where I am. Yes, it’s a fairly well known, documented fact even that I want to be a writer – a well known writer in both this country and further afield, but I also need to find a job, any such job, because otherwise I end up pissing about the place far too much, smoking a ridiculously amount of those ghastly cigarettes. Addiction’s addiction, but if I was somehow able to quit OCD, a far greater beast, mentally and physically, then why should I not be able to quit the cigarettes? Because, as I say, I am sitting all too dangerously on my laurels. There’s a recession, has been for a few years now, but I cannot let that be any excuse either. Excuses build up and make a mouse out of a man. I must find out what it is that really drives me, what are my goals and heady aims in life and how on earth do I go about succeeding as such? Take a breath and blow that Goddamn candle out once and for all. That way there’ll be many more celebrations to come.
Categories
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Recent Poems
- “Good Grief, She’s An Imbecile.”
- “Convince me, Please.”
- “The Window Blinds Were Down but Her Mind Was Wide-Alive”
- OCD – an impossible imbalance of the brain
- “They Create While The Rest Of Us Sedate Ourselves SiLly.”
- Taking Aim & Losing All Of Our Bullets On The Floor Anyway, Angela.
- Slaughterhouse book club – where the girls are men and the men are eccentric grannies for free
- A Pulsation That Called Its Own BlUfF
- ‘RamRaiding The Cobwebbed Archives, They Do Dive In Excitably’
- “Vroom, Vroom… Ergo.”
- A Hammer to the heART of the MaTtEr – essentially, she’s a Mother******* miracle of mind, and he hopes she sees it
- They Were Endlessly Entitling Themselves to Utter Appreciation,And The Reasons WERE In Fact Endless
- “When We Watched Them Shadowbox Inside Of Their Own Mind.”
- ✌️
- “Wiping That Glare Off Their Face – And Staring Into The Unknown For The Sake Of A Trigonometry Quiz.”
- “Their Boutique of Mind.”
- Understanding An Achievement
- Taking Their GlItCh And RAISING IT. It’s highly LIKELY that they’ve been enticed by something UTTERLY OUTRAGEOUS
- Girl NO. 360
- “When We Felt It From Here.”
- Fickle-faced Strangers.
- A Crumble, A Fall… a Masterpiece Stands Remarkably TALL
- Siempre
- 😃
- The Frameworks inside of their Highly Identifiable Minds. Debating the dIffEreNce: “between happiness and have-a-heart onomatopoeia.”
- Purchased Pragmatism
- Signing Out In Style
- Living with a mental imbalance
- “What if: what they did Wasn’t Supposed to be Bordering On perFect?”
- -The Wildest River Alive ~~
- Executing Happiness At A Pace Of Reliable Audacity
- Pisces Denied ~ ~
- Inescapable
- A Pair of Blue Eyes and a Fool’s Smile
- “She’s Been Holding Court For Way Too Long Now.”
- Fish Out Of Water
- AThreadInTheAlphabetAnyway.
- “$warM(!!)”
- When Atlas Lassoed His heART Around The Moon and SmokeD A cigarette in the meanwhile
- What if What ( ?) she didn’t do is utterly unheard Of
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