It’s not that I don’t want to be the very best that I can be, it’s just that lately there seems to be a serious lack of motivation in my life. I don’t have the bounce in my step that everyone really does need to have. Having come out the safer side of a severe mental health issue, I’m nowhere near thankful enough to the Gods, or whoever it was, whatever it was that pulled me away from the seemingly never-ending pain. I’m resting on my laurels at a time in my life when I should be reaching for the stars, absolutely. Okay, maybe I do have some sort of an excuse in that for the most part of my young life I have suffered from OCD – the kind that doesn’t include physical acts of repetition but rather mental ones, mental ones wherein I have felt for a long time the dire need to convince myself that everything will be alright. Of course, this is an impossibility for any one person, but there is perfection-seeking and then there is this, and 4 months inside of a psychiatric ward a couple of years back doesn’t even come close to delivering to you the level of agony my mind has had to endure. Twenty years of comstant anxiety, an overriding belief that all was not well with the world even when it may well have been may just be what horror movies are made of. My friends didn’t really get it, heck, I didn’t really get it. But now I’m walking away from it I still seem to unable to stop and take awhile in remembering just how Goddamn far I’ve come. How lucky I am to be right where I am. Yes, it’s a fairly well known, documented fact even that I want to be a writer – a well known writer in both this country and further afield, but I also need to find a job, any such job, because otherwise I end up pissing about the place far too much, smoking a ridiculously amount of those ghastly cigarettes. Addiction’s addiction, but if I was somehow able to quit OCD, a far greater beast, mentally and physically, then why should I not be able to quit the cigarettes? Because, as I say, I am sitting all too dangerously on my laurels. There’s a recession, has been for a few years now, but I cannot let that be any excuse either. Excuses build up and make a mouse out of a man. I must find out what it is that really drives me, what are my goals and heady aims in life and how on earth do I go about succeeding as such? Take a breath and blow that Goddamn candle out once and for all. That way there’ll be many more celebrations to come.
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Recent Poems
- Sycamore bird AtNite.
- 😃
- Sitting with Silence
- Messing with mOmEnTuM: asking their tragedy to understand itself:: kindly, Heck(..) q-u-i-e-t-l-y, “if it can.”
- “Pass the pArCeL And Make It Magnificent, Please.”
- -.attempting to Drown in MindbEnDiNg happiness
- “A Smooth Sea Never Made For A Sailor”
- Smoking Guns And Other Alarmingly TwIstEd-In-D-E-E-P(!!) Metaphors. An Artists Right To Portray… . the breath that held itself together for her
- Letting the imbalance be there. For good or for bad.
- “Buried behind her kindness of eye .”
- GatheringTogether TheirSources ofGoldDustAgain. Treading… Melon
- Discovering Candy
- ‘Lying M€$$iah$’
- All the colours of CreAtiVity. Black and all—.
- State of Mind: DelightFULLYdisENFRANCHISED(..) What an oCd minD dOes By dEsign.. default setting OverPROductiveAndDisrupted .
- When A HardNight became AWideAwake Evening. From Berlin to Belgrade in an Instance.
- Silence
- By a hair’s Breadth.
- ‘Silver-chair Montgomery’
- Bitterly Battered BuTtErFlY? Meet Diving-Bell.
- Mission accomplished – And Now…… “For A Sky-B-L-U-€ Sense+of+Indispensable=RECreation, please” // “She’ll Speak When She’s Spoken too.”
- …..
- If sunset is a rule then please give us the tOols
- “She held her(best… … …)breath for the correct correlation of people beCAUSE… there was a whole other universe inside of her AwrY iMaginAtiOn.”
- Their hearts have been hounding them down again.
- Eye of the Storm: Warmer than an AforeWARNED MASTERPEACE.
- “They Will Not Go Down With This Ship”
- startledIntoAction
- Shook but NOT out
- Makeshift superheroes
- Carrying the noise like a Neanderthal’s Mind+on+fire: “it’s probably NOT what we wanted to HEAR.”
- WaLkInG WiTh wIlDfLoweRs: restoring What’s impossible
- Sitting, STANDING, WaLkInG, c-h-a-t-t-i-n-g: “With Their Survival Techniques At Hand.”
- Behind the scenes their merry dAnCe SEEMS utterly Unapproachable. on purPOSE, probably
- A kLuStErFuCkMasterpiece. For the fans of UTTERnormalcy
- The colour of Death. She wasn’t even Famous Enough to Pull Her Own curtains and, Yet, she made an Exception for herself
- 😊
- Their Homespun Determinations
- Breaking Bread with the Devil They Always Land FaceFIRST in the Sand
- Staying the Distance… .
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