My brain is in a state of shock, from the years, decades, of ocd. I know that the ruminations need to be not acted upon, as in, not to let them take over my thinking process. But, for me, and I am surely the best person to know this; heck, the only person who can in fact know it, that aforementioned state of shock occurring in my brain, while nowhere near as bad as bad, bad, BAD has been with the ocd, it feels like light razor blades in my head and happening all of the time. No ruminating right this minute, however I do feel extremely on edge, as my mind, owing to said years and decades of continual mental rumination on a twenty-four hour basis, feels overheated and, simultaneously, INCHES from ‘freedom from the imbalance’. In other words – NO ocd!! I will know when I know, and that is the bottom line with this thing – I have known it always. And however unbelievable it is that I have guided myself to this stage of my life, including all that I have achieved across the board, which is my own business anyhow, it is UTTERLY UNFAIR and EXCRUCIATINGLY potential-limiting, not to mention a thousand other things in the list. I write this all down, all of these notes. And great if I can help others, in fact that would really be neat. But I want to get to witness and watch that happen if it does even happen, while Balanced. I get lost with this again and it is a long way back; a disgusting road filling a perfectly capable and assured, intelligent mind, with … an imbalance so unruly, so brainstakingly(I know!) agonising in a mental sense that I may as well NOT BE here, there, ANYWHERE. It basically destroys my mind, and that is, as I have brazenly stated innumerable times, the only plausible goal for this mental illness: TO GET THE SUFFERER TO THE POINT OF A BALANCED BRAIN. Do not let a sufferer of diagnosed ocd ever, ever, EVER get stuck with this particular imbalance because the agony is… life-DESTROYING. Mind-destroying. All I need is the rationality to balance itself out and for the ruminations to cease sprinting to an endless, well… sprint.

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