I am trying the best way to figure ocd out in terms of… what in the name of Christ has happened. I… am wordless with it. I don’t want to think or write about it anymore. I don’t know how to allay it, this utter imbalance of the brain. It’s barking mad and it’s definitely against everything a sufferer really thinks and feels. At its worst? Yeah, I certainly cannot go back there ever again. That’s not just a wasted life but a brain taken to task 24-hours a day. That’s sad. It’s bewildering and it’s… about as disgusting and debilitating a mental illness can surely get. I’ve done the scribbles til I’m red in the face, I’ve watched it all happen before me without that balance that everyone else has. I want to take it all back but I can’t. Not yet. I’ll need more medication. I’ll need more care. I’m experiencing very little of my day when it comes to how my mind isn’t quite yet calm enough. How I am unable to truly experience my… personality, the choices I might wish to make. It cannot be on the brink all of the time. I can’t be scared anymore. I just can’t. There’s a girl in this and a family and a life filled with people who dearly care about me, and I want to truly get to experience that for maybe even the first time. I am not angry. It’s just that I am still a little too imbalanced to continue on my life to a functional extent, that’s the truth.