😊

It’s.. what feels like a necessary miracle, the ocd and my being able to live comfortably with it. I do all that I can, in ways I cannot ever get to explain. It’s a mental glitch, and one of the most disgustingly unfair and unruly. A glitch that seems to go ENTIRELY against how my unperturbed brain would wish and want to even learn to think with time. That’s been proven in an instance, I feel, with the scribbles alone – the level of, maybe even, intense and analytical intelligence. Of carefree acceptance. I, of course, can’t quite get to feel any of that stuff too often. Like as if… it is someone else entirely. Someone else who I might just like to think the absolute world of. But… your confidence and… state of mind is of course ludicrously compromised – it’s basically your brain being utterly dragged across a landscape of illogical “what-ifs” and for all of a lifetime so far, for me anyhow. I’m not gonna say THAT’S IT. That THAT is all that there is with the ocd. The truth is, while that is true in many ways and certainly from an outsider’s point-of-view whenever you might try your best to explain it, it’s a complex disorder of the brain which I have to somehow(!!) learn to lock-it-in in a far more penetrative and positive manner and to live with it in the most… comfortable fashion that I can. No-one is out to get me, however it certainly does feel that way. Why? Because your mind is hot-wired and always, always on alert. It really does know very little else. Paranoia, etc. It’s a plethora of things, really, going on up inside of your brain. I understand that all people experience these sorts of mental things and that we are all of course extremely different but… with theirs at least it does seem to stand a chance of coming to an end eventually. It’s something which they can deal with over time, is what I mean. This is entirely different. ENTIRELY. This is a seriously imbalanced brain. You’re trying to save that brain from forever-brain-lock. Trying to basically save your life. Trying to… inhabit a mind and brain that doesn’t have to be painstakingly anxious all of the time 😊 Mine is a good, good, and caring mind, and I’ll never give up trying to meet it at the middle, i.e. BALANCE