😊

Having OCD is… beyond anything I could wish upon my worst enemy. The fallout, the mental toil, the never-ending loneliness, the… utter penetration and, therefore, loss of a person’s mind and personality. I think that, personally, my personality has been put on autopilot with regards how I’ve been handling my OCD of late. As in: “let it be there.” It’s just… able to still fuel itself up without my even intervening. The OCD onslaught, I mean. It really seems it will take a miracle at this stage for my mind to handle it to a comfortable enough extent, the imbalance that is… engrained and, what’s more, utterly… habitual and on so many levels inside of my head. I cannot explain it, certainly cannot explain it away. I may as well have an itchy foot insofar as what other people see because, well, I’m pretty sure I can’t walk around with the look on my face to replicate the level of mental anguish I experience. It’s… always gonna be time for me to take it on, to keep on keeping on, but this is so, so, so inexplicably hard, even if you, or at least a small part of you, does know that in maybe three more years time all you will be faced with on the question answering side of things is: “I have OCD and it still persists in my life.” What is there for a sufferer if there isn’t the OCD, as in the ruminations, everything else that comes with it? Well, a sense of paralysing… fear, maybe? A different kind of… mental indifference. The shock. A depressed mind, maybe. What will still undoubtedly be a treat for the sufferer compared with where their minds have been taken by the disorder in the past and at its very worst. This has been in my brain since I was eleven, as far as I can remember. All of my experiences have been interrupted by my OCD. A thousand toilet mirrors in a thousand different settings trying to figure out how to just… be okay. Not even stop it, because we don’t even know exactly what ‘it’ is, really. What is a sufferer without OCD? Firstly, I think it is good to say what a sufferer IS with OCD. They are… beyond courageous. Beyond… the beyond? They are experiencing a catastrophe-of-mind so very mentally real and nonstop while still living their lives as well as they possibly can. That’s extremely, and I mean… extremely difficult for them to contend with. Each to their own, yes. But this particular group of sufferers really do need to be given an utter level of complete understanding from start to finish. In everything that they do because NOTHING we do will ever have been done in any way other than to survive on a mental note. I read something a while ago where a fellow sufferer said that happiness doesn’t really come into the equation with OCD. I get that, I really do, yet I choose not to believe that that’s set to always be the case. Perhaps it can eventually get to be called an entirely different kind of happiness. A… brain-locked happiness, perhaps. Still brain-locked but… content about it? Somehow? A kind of contentment that, really, only a person who has experienced what an OCD sufferer experiences in their life can ever get to truly understand. ✌️