I’m tired in my mind. I’m scared and I’m trying to do all that I can to live with the OCD. But to truly fall is to… mentally both agonisingly disappear from anything resembling a natural reality. The balanced parts of my brain knows how to make and save money, etc. etc. of course they bloody well do! How to work, how to rest, how to play… blah, blah, blah. However, the radically imbalanced parts of the very same brain do certainly not. So it keeps looping you in and causing your mind to feel the utter need, URGE even, to HAVE TO figure out how to unearth its own sense of calm. Trying to only ever find a sense of calm for yourself and your boggled OCD-brain and mind when, instead, the sufferer is only ever going to find themselves totally unknowingly falling further and further away from a calm and balanced state of mind. Pretty unfair and utterly unjust. Of course it is. Should I accept that I may never be able to work a proper job? That the money from my disability welfare will need to be, as well as I can make it, enough? I do everything to battle this outlandishly complex error of the brain, but what about the actual part where I can know how to, when to, relax, watch television, run, eat, etc. Let alone actually look after my body really, really well at that? And what about the part where I even get to witness my wonderful brain work its magic, in both a literary and otherwise instance? I want all of these things for myself and I do a lot of them but, for me, the OCD gets in the way of an awful lot of the above-mentioned owing to its moment-to-moment pulsating mental fear-factor happening. Yes it is false, but it is everywhere and heartbreakingly theme-based. On I go, as I say and say again and again. On. I. Go.