Okay, so. With the disorder part of the OCD, for me I have been caught for as long as I can recall on the same kinda themes. Which only ever come about because of my imbalanced mind trying to find balance in the first, second, third… … place. This balance isn’t there, so instead these themes over time have made it mentally impossible for me to actually come to a rational, straight-minded conclusion, answer, etc with them, even if I wanted to. And because my mind and brain have been through so many years of disorder and mental imbalance from the OCD, I inevitably get caught all over again, often second-to-second, mistaking this… constant illogical conundrum which I cannot figure-out for another… catastrophic disaster. All in my head, of course. This is my OCD. But I know, somehow, that I can only ever either let my brain try and find a way back to thinking these ‘conundrums’ through to their logical answer, as in actual normal-minded sense, even if they are illogical at the core, because they are still subjects that can be figured-out, such is a subject, or stay stuck in OCD illogical land. That’s it. That’s what I have realised. But, then, that can all disappear in my mind and brain with a brand-new day. Even with a brand new hour. I know I have to hang in there and to maybe show these writings to my family, to my friends. To doctors. But, also, I need to acknowledge that to them it will make next to no other sense except for the illogical and distorted ‘OCD’ sense they see that is happening to my brain. And that’s okay, too. Truth is, I’ve made inroads with this thing, the OCD imbalance, about a million times, truly. To the extent where I even catch myself imagining one day getting to say to Mom: “Yeah, that’s it, Mom. It’s all over. I can be me, finally.” But the brain doesn’t seem to be able to keep up with what it might learn of the illness and what it is in fact doing to my brain and mind. Like, as I said before, it simply times itself out before it’s even had a chance to learn how to move on, let alone interpret brand-new thoughts for how they should be interpreted. That’s always the aim for me, to get to that place with my brain. Yeah, I can’t seem to get to the balance, as absolutely bloody inexplicably heartbreaking as that is, but what I can absolutely do, and to be perfectly fair, have done literally a million times before in my life, is to just REALLY TRY AND LET MY BRAIN MOVE ON. It can’t with the OCD, I get that, even if I have a million times, as I say, gotten to that place where a sufferer REALLY, REALLY needs to be for their mental health to strive. It’s chronic and it’s lifelong, but I also know, deep-down inside of myself, even if not really a lot of the time either, owing to said imbalance of the brain, that… it’s all just a lodged disorder of a brain. ❤️