Today I had to walk with the ruminations – had to let them be there, let them distort my mind as only ocd can. I kept doing the things which I needed to get done. I kept my head up, kept smiling, utterly frustrated and, still, withstanding it all. Accepting it, the imbalance. Feeling for the other sufferers of this thing. Actually decided to have a can of beer to relax it somewhat. It helps, but it isn’t like that. I’m too wary of everything and overanalysing it all and to the nth degree. Even how beer affects me with this mental illness. What I need to do is to keep going and keep letting these thoughts be there. Let them do their best to derail my mind. It affects my personality? Of course it does. Or, at least, it hinders me from feeling the workings of my own personality. I’ll never give up, give in. How can I. Because I have come much too far. If only those in my life knew precisely what I have to go through to keep my mind in place then they would surely be so very extraordinarily proud. As am I. Always. If I wasn’t me I would most certainly want to be me. Even with the OCD. Fuckit… it’s a part of me and I seem to have to accept that there is no particular cure. But that’s the thing. I do accept it, more than that. It’s just on fucking autopilot. It truly is like some kind of dagger in your brain – a dagger filled with a poisonous toxicity called imbalanced thinking. And the rest? Well, said dagger and poisonous toxicity seem to be searching for a settled state of play, owing to said imbalance. And what that particular thing does, is it goes haywire(stabs the shit out of your brain)until an answer is found. There is NO answer – that is truly just the ocd imbalance leaving the sufferer with this utter, UTTER fucking irrational belief that something is going to go monumentally wrong unless… they find and, what is more, figure out a way to settle it. Settling an imbalanced brain is ultimately what you are trying to do. Like trying to drink an invisible bottle of water. Not. Going. To. Happen. However, the more you stir that particular beast the more live-wired and angrier it tends to get and, bare with me here, please! But the ONLY a-c-t-u-a-l way to live with it and to actually ‘settle it'(bring yourself back to that place of relative balance) IS to… deep breath now… … let the intrusive thoughts continue on in your brain until they eventually give up their onslaught. Phew!! Cyclical and sickening shit really.