Today I met Ruairi and Andrew for lunch – crepes. Watched Ireland beat France in the rugby with Dad at home. Truth is it’s been tough today. It’s been… it’s been ******* impossible, as though the knife-edge situation is right immediately there, about to happen if I do not figure out what is wrong. Literally, with my brain, it won’t let me tell the difference between what needs doing and what doesn’t need doing in any given day. As in, it’s all just scattered-up with severe and inexplicable anxiety. So, really, I cannot… approach things with any sort of confidence or any kind of a properly thinking brain. It’s a joke. It’s a ******* joke that I have to watch this happen to me all the time, and worse than that? The worst part amongst all of the worst parts, really? That the only thing that happens if I try to relax it… to try and calm the misfiring of an OCD imbalance, is I get caught up in a world of uncontrollable OCD. And that? Well, that’s the same place that I’ve spent the best part of the last… 29 years of my nearing-on 40 year life. My brain has been left in limbo from the OCD habits, just like Ger McSweeney says, and over the course of those decades. Everything I try and do isn’t working enough for me to live like myself, with my own mind. It’s like living in the ******* twilight-zone. Whatever that might feel like, this feels equally ******-up, for sure. And way more agonised. Where exactly AM I supposed to gain my confidence from? I never had a working brain, that’s just the truth. Always anxious, always petrified, ALWAY RUMINATING – 24/7. “Oh, you have OCD. Interesting.” It’s not in any way interesting. It simply stops what might just have been a most beautiful and caring and intelligent person from living a lovely and honest, hard-working life. But, then, I’m the last person to be able to tell you such a thing, really, because, well, I have literally no clue who I am. Really, I am just going on what others seem to nicely say about me from time to time. That miracle, which it still feels like it will take for me to unearth a comfortable way to live with my OCD imbalance? I’m not gonna stop trying to get to that place.
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Recent Poems
- Comfortable Cards? “Yes, Thanks” / HELL IN A HAND-GRENADE. / Her Strength to StayAwake in the Rain – It Says a Thousand Sentimental Things Stretched to the Point of BreakingEvenlyAgainstHer VeryOwn Equilibrium / The Hands that Harvest Happiness in a Glass.
- “The only reason why we don’t get drunk on over-the-top delirium is… .”
- THE PATIENCE/Patients OF A PRAGMATIC POLTERGEIST. ((SOON AS))We Sink (INSISTENTLY) Inside of HER Heroin-KISSED Knife
- Chapter… “STRUCTURE… and Dance” / Tilt Toward Tremendous – Needle on the neAnderthAl – Her Past (the point of paused) PRETENCE Prettily
- “AIMING FOR MADAGASCAR__ AND GETTING ((gently go mentally)) MOUNTJOY ((magnified))!!” / Her UGLY_A$$_HUGS:: “ASKING FOR everything” –WHEN (their) “MADNESS” MEANT something else entirelyPEAKED AS PERSUASIVELY safe. / “Taking Their DrIvE… …. __ to Time SaFe” / (All of the) Words in the World ‘Till It SMASHES ITSELF gently_in_the_FACE — “tO tASTE THE Thunder (Up_and_Under!! !)”
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- WHEN THEIR TEMPO TALKS. Criticise AND CRUSH Them INSIDE-OUT Again and They WILL Come. ((BACK AT YOU)) with TICKER-TAPE Fleas STABLY-WELL Attached at the SEEMS… / “Sedating Her Beautiful fACE” and FAILING TO Fall Apart at the (REGULAR OLD) Seams / PAVED TO MAKE SeNsE of a MIllIOn “much MORE than neverBEFORE seen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” mereEAGER PeOPLe’s ABLE-faced StAtE oF aWaREnEss technique… .. and (((((PREVIOUSLY))))) purCHASED for the fuckSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE price — LIVING (layabOUT!!!!) OUTloud INSIDE… … .. “of (good ol’) LADY GODIVA’S ((favouriteBEST state of)) idiosyncratic ANOMALY” – even if SHE is NO GOOD next to DanCing diamonds… … .. THAT LIKE TO DIE before RE-ATTACHING THEMSELVES to life’s favourite “L!!!!!!!!!!E!!!”
- Accordingly CONfusing / When the Last Thing They Did Was the First Thing they Thought About – “TODAY!!!!!!!” / COKE INSIDE OF HER MILE-WIDE MIND. SOON AS HER UP-AGAINST-THE-WALL illness immediately wins… … “without even knowing it.” Her Paused Poltergeists. just might / The Theory of Anything ELSE… “According to George_GO-MENTALLY!!” / Paused Neanderthals, “Please” / TRIGONOMETRY TWEAKED / PARANOID PARISH PRIESTS with overEAGER EGOS / Her Magnified Madness Never Even Asked:: “to Pass-Go!!” SWALLOW THEM WHOLE and attempt to PRECISELY emote BATSHIT CRAZY EXTRACURRICULARS, “plEASE!!” IT Calls Itself STAUNCHLY STUPENDOUS – PARANOID triAngles.. with all of their uncertain determinations / MasterPEACES, plEASE… … with Blood in Their Teeth. / “Schindler’s (STILL!!) P!$$ED!!!”
- “WHAT IF WE TILTED OUR TURN-OF-TONGUE TOWARD THE HEATED_HOT_SUN some AND D-E-F-I-N-I-T-E-L-Y m-u-c-h more THAN ALWAYS BEFORE??” / Those MATTER-OF-FACT “Go Fuck Yourselves” FRACTURES”
- When Everything Became Sensational A-G-A-I-N:: “mINUS uS eVER hAVING EvEN TriEd TO uNtIE tREaCHeroUs, AhEm… TiEs” / Turn the Key and Walk-On-In:: “wiLdlY Does It, pLeAsE!” / Turn the Piano Up to (a PitchPerfect) Pause (TO NAUSEATE THE ALSO-CANS)… “Please”
- When Everything Became Something Especially Scintillating. Pepperbridge and BoJangles. – working poem/prose-piece
- Man of the Spoon… . THE SMILE THAT THANKED ITSELF IN-KIND.
- THE SPOON ACCORDING TO GEORGE. / A Lullaby of Lies. TODAY WE MADE MAYHEM MATTER – and she handled it with HALF-A-HEART of UTTERLY EFFING substantial ENTHUSIASM… “entirely.”
- 😀
- THE BOY WHO PLAYED DICE WITH THE (depth of the) DIAMOND.. / Her Skylight of KITE-RUNNER Mind … taking ten and ten and GETTING ANYTHING ELSE OTHER than TWENTY.. .. “delicately DISPLACED SENTENCES, plEASE!!” Orchestrated ENVIOUSLY Akin … … To All Kinds Of Very Loud, Wild, And AUDIBLY Exciting
- IMBECILES IN WINDOWSILLS — “Playing Roll-The-Dice… With Our Favourite Best Smiles” – )WHEN( Someone Said Something UTTERLY UpSiDeDowN Today and it MOST probably paid FOR ITS PRICE IN UTTERLY eRROR-sTrEwN EvEryThinG, “plEASE!!” — Take 1
- WHEN WE WATCHED WISDOM WALK. the pace of a prolonged masterPEACE = “the ice-DUNGEON According to an outstanding Anomaly that Made-Its-Own-MindUP anyWAY.”
- Expecting the Everglades AND GETTING Gougane Barra INSTEAD – “heavenly, Please” / “JUST HOW ******* FAR DID WE (all) FALL?” / THEIR PAINT PUSHED AGAINST THE GRAIN… and gathered get-back-graciously, “plEASE!” / BEATEN-DOWN TO bOUnCe == “without a soUNd!! !!”
- 😊 ❤️ 🎹 🖊️
- Erasing These Pretty-faced Pictures and Calling it ALL THAT WE’VE REALLY never EVER beEn – “Even?” / Soon As Our Appetites Smile – “SOON AS THEIR CHEMICAL SUGGESTIONS SAID SO” / “We Watched You Crawl_______________ into the Mind of an Angel (So that She Could Stay-awake A-FAIR-WHILE)” / – Take 1 and 2
- THE SUN WITH ITS HAPPY-AS-**** SM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LE AND ABLY-WELL attached to the wideawake SKY…Line of HAPPY-FACED coc_AINE heads AT N!TE… with ABLY WELL EGOS, plEASE!! — “WHEN THE facsimile SMILE.. SAYS SO” / Stacks of Staccato-LIKE SILENCE, please, AND MAKE ‘EM as heavenly as HeLl AND EVENTUALLY SPELT to, ahem… ALMOST spell… almost A SERIOUSLY SUGARGOADED “HELLO”… … again. / No New Truth = “Only ALL of the BEAUTIFUL Bruises.” —-working Poem/PROSE-Piece
- Take 2. SOLITAIRE. SOLD. TO. THE. DEVIL __ _ and with all of the quicksand readily available . the songs we saw and sold… . DEEP DOWN inside OF OUR OUTloud MInDs!! And all of it — soaked developMENTALLY AMIDST HER CURVATURE OF SOUL. somemore. / (the) StAtE_Of_THE_ArT – “SOON AS HER SEDATIONtechnique SAYS SO (the most)”
- “Her S.O.S SOUL Said So!!!!!!” SOON AS WE WATCH THE BOTTLE BOUNCE. colder than a cobweb / SOLITAIRE SOLD TO THE DEVIL. and with all of the quicksand readily available . LIQUOR AND HER CURVATURE OF SOUL.
- SOON AS THEY BRAVELY FORGOT THE VERY_NEXT_SENTENCE. / SENTENCED TO TENSELY SET MOMENTUM. / “Our Non-Zero-Sum Game, Please, and Make It Mother******* IMMEDIATELY” / OUR STRONGEST STRENGTH IN ONE WHOLE-WIDE-uniVERSE. Outlandishly thirsting for a 3rd THOUSANDTH Attempt at TRY-HARD equilibrium, plEASE. / TRACING THE LAY OF THE WIDEALIVE LINE AND ABLY WELL BASKING:: in asking all of the damn-dastard favOURitebest QUESTions OF THEMSELVES (anyway!!) – working poem-piece
- “Designed With All of Their Minds.. IN MIND.” / Those Tattoo-Emblazoned Delicate LITTLE DELINQUENTS With Fists for Fingers.
- INSIDE OF SOMEONE ELSE’S vagabond EYES. Might Be Extracurricular AND (simultaneously) Nice! / “HALO, Hello!” / SOON AS HER FLAWS FALL Accordingly+both+OUTRIGHT ARTISTICALLY = “s-PEAKING to some+BODY !!!! !!”
- .23 Versions of the Perfectly Usurped Person.. Please. PRETTY WARM IN PINKLY suggestive DELIRIUM. She Isn’t Even Meant to Make MereEAGER Sense of ________________– Being Gilded in Lady GODIVA Gold!!
- Heavy is the EAGERfaced Angel – when we took the time to stranger-FACE unWIND… AND WITH THE WISE-OLD WINDS IN OUR decorative SAILS ((today… maybe, BABY!!”))
- The ‘Simple’ Symphony SUGGESTS… . TASTE !! The SCHISM_OF_Schematic Theme, Please
- Deleting Her Most Magnificent Memories Might Just Make STACKS AND STACKS of Mollycoddled Sense
- THE MENU ACCORDING TO MOLLY MONTGOMERY.
- SKIN FILLED WITH SIN. The Tattoo That Took Its Best Breath.
- the beauty of breaking-even in the rainSHINE SOMEtimes. / OUTRUNNING THE NERVES TO CATCH ANTICIPATED SEDATION Minus Ever EVEN Having Asked for Gladragged EnthusiasM (yet again). We’ve Undermined The Utterly Undeserving Individuals With Sycamore Smiles and Effed-UP designs and Gathered to Eventually Make… “Wagerings of RING-A-DING Sense!!!”
- STACKS OF HAPPINESS: “Yes+Immediately=Please!!” The Code to LeT’S gO (and get ’em all (GENEROUSLY) together again)!! / Contrived LITTLE ABLE-faced Delinquents/REPROBATES With sizABLY “Insignificant Minds, Please” – and Begging (THEMSELVES) to Fall (RIGHT) Back Behind The Layabout-LINE-toN1TE = she is already home (AND DRIER THAN ALL GIN AND TONIC EYES)
- The Smiling Child With the Standstill Eyes. The Glitch that Gathered Its (Greatest *******) Gain.
- 😊
- An Error in the Walkabout Nature of a Standalone Stranger – Delicately Deranged to the Bones of Their BellyACHING Beings. / “Ultraviolet Minds Might Be Nice”
- Perfect OFF the TABLE.. She’s a Picture of P-O-I-S-E-D Persuasion:: DID WE REALLY JUST R-E-A-L-I-S-E THE ‘INSIDE-OUT’ INSIGHTS INSIDE OF OURSELVES (again).. “and SEE (the seizing of SENTIMENTALLY SPECtacular Anyway)??”
- Eyes of an AntagonisedAngel/ LESS STRESSED THE BETTER = She’s In It To Bring BorderlineBeautyBack To————> Behemoth
- Stilts and Stalactites – she just might
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