OCD is like nothing else on a mental level. Yes, it’s all mental, at least in my instance, and I realise that EVERY LAST PIECE of information or whatever happening inside of a person’s head is just that – happening inside of their head. Not in front of them as they go about their day, causing them, well, a physical version of the mental version of OCD. What would it even mean if the physical version happened for a sufferer of that type of OCD? It would still be fears continuing on triggerHAPPY inside of your brain even if THE MOST UNLIKELY OF DISASTERS DID OCCUR. So, either way, the OCD mental trap is always only ever in the present moment and a HUMONGOUS LEVEL OF FEAR AND ANXIETY AND CERTAINTY THAT DISASTER IS GOING TO HAPPEN, OR HAS HAPPENED. Yet our brains are still trying to either fix it, or find a calm, either or. I can’t know the ins and outs of this fucked up disorder. But it’s disordered so… there ya go. Listen. This is a mental illness of THE MOST FUCKED UP, mind-distorting variety. That is the cold, hard truth of the matter. How we as sufferers literally end up time and time again… chasing YET another falsely firing anxiety owing to the imbalance in our brains in the first place really is… heartbreaking. But also brain-breaking, and that’s way, way worse. Pain-wise. But I don’t need someone to know or even feel what I have to go through with this thing on a daily basis, perhaps I just wish they could experience it all just for a while so that then people knew… just how hard I try and just how imbalanced my brain is, or really was way back when. Having to try and inevitably, and as best you can, sit with the imbalance and all that it entails/brings with it in this disorder’s particular instance is… like a fucked up game of… ‘A or B?’ – “Pick The Correct One And You Literally Won’t Be Mentally Paralysed For the Remainder Of Your Days.”
I’m supposed to not get caught up in this and then, well, all will be as mentally okay as I could’ve ever dreamed of, and I get this… like, almost totally. Or at least it should be totally, on a natural mental level. But then, for me, there is the imbalanced part taking over at the drop of a hat. That’s when all of that trying to naturally surface logic starts to get twisted up in “FUCK, but something IS wrong. Something is… off centre and in a VERY, VERY real manner. So, yeah, I’m gonna REALLY have to figure out what the fuck that is… or else.” And that’s how an OCD sufferer gets all caught up all over again and this is, in a chronic instance, a minute to minute thing. So, yeah, the fabricated from total fucking fiction world of an OCD sufferer happening inside of their head is… if I could really, really bottle that feeling, and, say, sell it to Stephen King to inform him for all of his future brand new best surely horror movie characters I’d be, well yeah… a multi millionaire. These little silly stories to go with my ramblings won’t make a jot of a difference, really, to the fact that, for me, it’s still a totally illogical brain owing to the OCD in the first place. But remember, as fast as I write this I’ll be upstairs watching telly and falling into the OCD rabbit hole again. Guaranteed. It’s not our fault at all, not our choice AT ALL. And we try… like no one can ever understand. Trying to fix our own brains whilst simultaneously trying to think normally and to act normal in front of people and to not have to watch our own mind get shattered into a million pieces and STILL ANALYSING WHERE THE DISASTER WILL HAPPEN unless we can somehow stop it… all over again. That’s hard, but for me the other hugely excruciating thing is that even with it, I can still be a success, but that success isn’t worth a shit if you can’t feel it. Not really. But success beyond the job status stuff, etc., which isn’t a big deal anyhow to me, is my health. What I mean by this is that I will be happy out to work in a fairly straight-forward job for myself going forward, even if one of the main reasons for that will be mostly owing to my brain not actually being able to deal with too intense a job, even if that kinda thing is also what I feel my mind, OCD aside, is extremely suited to. But there’s obviously nothing wrong if you want both, big job and all. And I wanna chase both. I always have tried for that possibility, really, even if it has been a hundred times harder for my mind 😊
