❤️

It will feel like you are living through the exact same situations and experiences with every waking minute, really. Like a Groundhog Day for its utter… mental bewilder. Anything a chronic OCD person incurs will have most probably already have been caught-up inside of their running ruminations by now. Certainly when it comes to a chronic case of OCD. Sure there are themes of fear from something going catastrophically wrong, but all around even these embedded themes is yet another mental attempt by a sufferer at trying to allay the sprinting anxiety of imbalance. One way or the other. But what about if we have no interest whatsoever in adhering to these ruminations on our own behalf? On our mind’s behalf? Does that mean that our hot-wired brain is actually simultaneously trying to allay the fear in what ends up being a fight… against itself? Probably not. In fact, that doesn’t really make any real sense, does it? But I say this because our minds really do have zero interest in doing such a thing, even if of course they also do end up doing that thing too. We will have analysed all of these things to the death too. An unprecedented level of analysis that would far better suit itself to, let’s say, a job. Truth is that ten jobs atop the other would even be easier than living with any level of OCD. We can’t explain the level of mental toil to other people, nor can we explain the level of mental certainty that disaster is happening right this minute and often times every minute at that in our minds and brains. My themes, that a certain thing will absolutely happen if I don’t stop that certain thing from happening immediately: even when I know that to be an illogical thing to have been worrying about for all of these decades by now, it’s also jumping into other themes when that one might simmer itself down, even if the distortion of theme in my instance is still there for myself. I guess it is the mental distortion as much as it is the mental imbalance that keeps the sufferer… caught in that OCD loop-cycle. All of this stuff can occur in the space of what may only be two days, really, but will feel like an utter eternity, such is the pace of thought with the OCD brain. And what about the part where it is actually the OCD that has entirely stood in the way of a smart and highly logical brain and mind in the first, second, third… fourth place, as opposed to people thinking that the mental illness is what actually might make a particular person how they are? Intellect-wise. What I mean is that, for me for sure, the mental illness has done nothing but to utterly stand in the way of any level of intelligence which I might still try and hang onto. Which I might even wish to try and strengthen with time and experience of brand new differing thoughts atop the other. Fat chance right there… so far in my life. With regards the scribbles: I do that in spite of the mental illness, as opposed to doing it to a level of, say, certain skill-type owing to the OCD. Sure I had to dig my heels in deep in continually scribbling because my mind was in utter chaos owing to said OCD and I had no other choice than to stay busy as hell inside of my head… somehow, but that’s all down to my own willpower and, if anything, the OCD has stunted my scribbles like crazy. Like… craaaazy!!! Again. I am not angry, just stating it how I see it from my point of view. As if it’s just… the exact same poem expecting to be reworded and rewritten… or something akin to that thing. This is me trying to tell people that I did nothing other than try and live as well as any person can, even with this mental illness. That I do it all and every single day with such a level of necessary willpower and passion for holding onto a feeling for this real life because… we really do have no other choice with the OCD. Sure the medication helps and sure ERP… helps. Until, well, it just doesn’t anymore. But that shouldn’t diminish what a good and decent mind an OCD sufferer can also carry with them. Sure they’ll feel very few real and uninterrupted emotions for themselves, with the illness in action to one extent or another, but they still try with all of their might at feeling what they think they might just know deep-down – I actually don’t think that we even really do much of the time get to know at all actually – that they really should be getting a proper opportunity to feel. OCD is… impossible really. That’s a given that only we can fully comprehend as sufferers amidst all of the utterly incomprehensible shit going through our hot-wired and, therefore, highly distorted heads. We fight every day because every day is… as real for us inside of our heads what is happening with the mental chaos as a person minus OCD will feel and know that the hands and fingers they see themselves wriggling about the place before them are real. Of course they are, but what I am trying to get across is that the OCD brain is bombarded all of the time. Certainly a chronic sufferer’s brain anyhow, and that is what I am. Bombarded into mental… paralysis but also… utterly willing to proceed as well as I possibly can, as well as also trying at unravelling the mental distortion that that paralysis has actually caused and, what’s more, to a profound level inside of my mind. To prove the bulldozing level of OCD on the sufferer’s mind, right now I wouldn’t be able to tell you a single thing of what I just wrote.