❤️

I’m not too sure if I’ll ever really be able to get over the OCD well enough to not have to really have it bothering me to a distorting and mentally painful extent. All is being done and all of the time, of that I cannot lie. Yeah, it’s messed-up my brain and mind in the craziest of ways but I’ve tried as well as I can to keep my personality intact all of these years. I can’t know how miraculous or whatever that actually is, as something to have achieved to a reasonably good extent. I can’t judge a brain disorder and all that it does anymore, which is what I’ve found myself to’ve been doing lately. OCD is restless almost all of the time and that’s at its least chronic. It tricks a tricked mind in ways which can never truly be explained, or described, or ever really felt from another person’s perspective, of course. And, yeah, that is heartbreaking and lonely in its own right for us to know and have to deal with. It’s like explaining the inexplicable with each and every new day. I mean, no-one sees it. No one feels it. So, really, to anyone else you might just seem to be doing fine as fine can be. “Now, just move on with things, yeah?” We OCD sufferers strive in a manner which can never be portrayed, except for how we act, perhaps, around our nearest and dearest when it’s all REALLY starting to snowball and cave-in. And of course that will only ever just be a physical rather than mental representation in terms of what we really wished that they could see. Even if just for an hour. Just for one day, maybe. So as for them to truly know what we are going through on a moment-by-moment basis. What we have literally one-hundred-percent NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER IN HAVING TO ENTERTAIN IN THE FIRST PLACE. We do something not many people are forced to do by their own brain. We attempt like crazy to sit with a radical chemical imbalance as best we can, or can’t, usually, in the hugest hope in the world ever of it all just one day… ceasing. The mental pain. The obsessions and compulsions. But it won’t do that. Not today anyhow. But, yeah, to sit with this complex chemical imbalance is all we’ve been taught to do. The correct way, no two ways. Nothing else. But when your entire brain is constantly at war with this pummelling mental distortion, it seems unthinkable that people are actually only ever supposed to think one thing at a time and to, even at worst, just come out the other side of a ‘bad day’ and learn to move on. To even so much as learn from it! That’s our dream. To have everyone else’s normal-minded way with these particular things. But the truth is this. We have already succeeded in ways which can never, ever, EVER be truly known on a mental level. On a mental landscape. Or landslide, rather. We don’t give up because a) we are too busy trying to make certain that disaster will not occur, too petrified to concentrate on any other considerations in the first place. And b) we know deep, deep, DEEP down that something isn’t right, is utterly off-kilter in our brains and in a very, very complex and confusing and constant way. Even if it feels as real as real can be, what our imbalanced brains are informing, or misinforming, us of. That’s the thing that keeps me going. Much more than just keeping going, actually. And I would not change a single thing, truly. It’s too long in the tooth and, also, too… much of a gift in a way which only I can ever really get to understand and appreciate, I guess. But, yeah, I work like a mother-fucker for that thing, too.