Saturday – went down town and got a coffee and met Matthias and Tilda and went to the Market. Bumped into Dan Holland and a few other people. No one has a clue as to what anyone goes through with a mental illness, though, do they? Let them do what they do with their own minds, and you what you wish to do with yours. Nice of Dan to remind me of The Walled Town poem I wrote, and how much he truly thinks of it. This OCD thing isn’t understood, but neither does anyone else need to understand the stifled insides of an OCD mind. Met Alan O’ Mahony and his wife and kids too. Good lad, was always decent to me. But neither does he have a clue what it can often take for me to just get from one end of the day to the other. It’s the utterly invisible fight for calm. Picked up some sourdough bread, mint cigarette filters, and just… went with it as well as I can. I am in it for the long haul for the search for an eventual full-time state of mental balance with this disorder. Otherwise I’m fucked. I know that too. Not looking too possible to get to that place for myself going on today and how my brain gets when I really, really try and just not think about anything. I can’t compare it to anything anymore. It’s hijacked everything, really. So good luck reading a book, watching a match, etc. etc. I’ve done and keep doing all that I can. Matthias invited me to dinner this evening but told him I just needed to rest and relax at home because, as I’ve said loads of times before, it can all become too much for my mind when people are around me. It fucks everything up in the air on a mental note. I fucking HATE it and everything it entails. Anyhow. Still Saturday and gonna try and chill and maybe get a run in later, and watch a really, really good film. I don’t think the run will happen because my mind isn’t up for it. Or maybe it is, who knows when it’s been sprinting all day in my head anyway. If a run is laborious then what the hell is an OCD brain? Multiply it a million times 🥱 Really enjoyed watching The Gentlemen at Szabina’s during the week. Nah, that’s bullshit too… my mind was struggling to not get caught in OCDLand all the time, that’s the truth. Hindsight is always a million times easier for my mind, when looking back on something I did and another day gone by and interpreting it minus the OCD thing 👍 This is the truth. OCD has crucified my mind and there is literally nothing an OCD sufferer can do until they somehow find a source of balance, but that’s like… waiting for a sudden calm amidst a crazily outlandish storm that the weather people have promised will never, ever end in the first place. A storm of brain. The most horrendous mental imbalance imaginable 😞