😉

It can’t quite be this hard all the time. I’m walking, talking, doing everything with this thing and it’s ferocious even at the best of times. I understand and accept that it’s a mental illness, but why does it leave the sufferer, of all people, not realising, and even within minutes of cottoning on to what is actually happening to their imbalanced brain, unable to remember that they have a mental illness in the first place? That’s all kinds of messed-up for its mental worth. OCD isn’t a battle. It’s, more often than not, akin to an absolute mountain climb of the mind just to, well… if you do get to the other side somehow, or the top, or whatever… be left with the colossal task, then, of letting that wayward and outright complex and crazily concocted imbalance just be there. For the rest of our lives? That is what a sufferer of OCD is single-handedly and, of course, single-mindedly challenged with by their very own brain. It is THAT enhanced by catastrophe in the first place improperly and, at that, utterly constantly. So yeah, OCD is THAT illogical in its nature and THAT much of an entire waste of the sufferer’s time from start to finish and back again… . We don’t understand calm. We don’t understand it simply because of our brain’s set up, that we aren’t in fact supposed to be outlandishly anxious ALL OF THE TIME. But, also, we try and stop it. And all that does is bolster it and bring it more and more and more to the fore of the brain and mind and, then, the whole landscape of our mind, maybe even, is… shocked into what I can only describe as a kinda mental paralysis but also atrociously paired with a brain that will NOT TURN OFF. Then comes the utter distortion of mind! So, paralysed and also… on absolute edge and with a mental certainty, an ABSOLUTE GRADE-A CERTAINTY of mind and brain happening, that SOMETHING IS WRONG, or will be wrong and NEEDS TO BE FIXED… immediately, or else. And by wrong I don’t mean the usual: “shit, what if Amanda breaks her leg during her football game tomorrow? I’m a bit worried because she’s been worried about the last time it got really badly injured and for quite some time.” That is a worry based on experience, let’s say. And, with that, the person is of course able to think things through and approach the situation as best they can hope to manage and, therefore, handle, whereas all that the worry and fear and catastrophizing is when it comes to OCD is… literally about nothing. In so far as the initial imbalance goes, that’s for sure. However, the more that fear-filled brain searches for a calm it cannot get to in its own right, the more it ends up latching on to everything in the sufferer’s life and distorting it in ways that is outright… unfathomably fucked up for the sufferer. This is when themes take place, as in anyone follows a theme, a subject that they are dealing with as it happens. I.e. Their daily happenings, the things that they need to, or have to, or even like to do. Places they go, the storyline in that is all bombarded and, therefore, paralysed and pummelled at the same time into a kinda puppet-on-a-string state of overthinking/ruminating submission. And then, it can only still keep trying and trying to search for that impossible-to-get-to, it seems, calm. That is the mind doing all that it can, ALL THAT IT CAN, amidst the workings of a brain gone utterly awry to… find that aforementioned calm it’s been searching for 24/7. Personally, I’ve been searching for that very elusive thing since I was eleven-years-of-age. Calm’s the word because it is EVERYTHING the OCD sufferer is trying to achieve. It is everything the sufferer of OCD will have never really experienced, either. Or at least not for a very long amount of time in their lives.