😊

I can’t be like this forever. I just can’t take it out on mom all the time because she is the only one who will listen and understand as well as she can be expected. How could she? Even I don’t understand it. All I tried for this Xmas like any other, really, is to… be able to not ruminate, not get caught in my own OCD mind. Again, I’m not bitter. There’s nothing to be bitter about. Shit happens. I just wish my ‘shit’ wasn’t a mental disorder that doesn’t even leave me alone to have normal day-to-day problems and things to maybe talk out with your parents and sister and brother. Twice in two days now that people, good and caring, extremely decent people have referred to me as a genius. I know that all they mean by that word is that the words and sentences that I have been able to put together over the years are impressive for someone suffering so badly. I guess being thought of as genius in any small aspect of your life might be… cool and all but, really, I don’t even know who or what to listen to and believe with this mind. My brain has been fried. All these posts about the mental illness are the same really, just with different slants and ideas. How can a person feel like themselves when they’ve never even gotten the opportunity to feel like themselves in the very first place? I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m just…. a man with a seriously distorting mental illness. I attempt to worry about all the normal things only I can’t do anything about those ‘worries’ or whatever they might turn out to be because the OCD is land-sliding it all. Standing in the way of all of it. I try and give my family and friends moments where they might see the real me before I fall mentally away again. I really do. So maybe they’ll give me another chance. Mom thinks I’m hard on myself. I don’t know how I am on myself because I literally don’t know my own mind. If this illness is so utterly mentally irrational then just how mentally-ill is an OCD sufferer to be forced against their every will and every second of every day to only ever try and pervertedly cure the illness by thinking it out. Turns out you can’t. This isn’t fair, it isn’t even a life. How can I not end up expressing myself in a negative manner and tone to people when my mind is like this. It’s truly as if there are two of me: and by that I mean… two kinds of minds. The OCD mind and my own mind: the latter the very same one that has been trying forever to be the only one to think, whilst the OCD does its mentally crushing worst. But as well as all this it’s the mental toil, that actual level of mental agony of never being able to stop thinking, stop doing anything on a physical level so that I don’t end up sitting down and getting trapped again. I don’t sleep because I don’t know if it is right to sleep. If I am in fact doing one wrong thing to lead to another and then.. well, the worst-case-scenario will happen… even if it’s already been happening for my whole life: stuck in an OCD mind with nowhere for it to go to… just breathe. I did all the stuff this year. I got the Xmas gifts, helped with dinner, did everything I assume everyone should do. Or might like to do. Cos I like doing things for people I want to do things for… a lot. But it is all being done as if… and I want to get this part just right, because it probably is important for future OCD sufferers, or more so their families to read about to understand them, I’m just… not there at all. Yeah, I’m there physically, obviously. But mentally I’m timed-out, not able. This is a sickness of the mind which leaves the sufferer with nothing but utter mental fallout and try as they damn well might to hang onto relationships with people as best they can. And if I do still have many good relationships, etc, in my life, that is utterly down to my trying to not let my personality and mind be entirely taken away by the mental disorder of OCD. That’s been my job for my whole life, I guess you might say. To save Brian. This has been me since I was eleven. Since eleven, all I’ve wanted to do is to work and live and whatever the hell else the mind does to handle the day to day bills, etc. A non-imbalanced mind anyway. That mere thing would genuinely be a godsend for me. Actually, double-shifts at a hard-ass job and one that doesn’t even pay well and a few hours sleep in between but NO OCD brain whatsoever would be a million times better than what I have now. I’m not angry or bitter. I’m just trying to explain how hard the brain makes it for an OCD sufferer in particular to live any semblance of a normal life. Everyone knows I have it. Everyone has rambled around me to help to try and understand what even I can’t understand, and I’d do the same for them, of course I would. But I wouldn’t be any more able to pull them out of their OCD than they are able with me. Fact. They aren’t able. On we go. I just want to go as close to better as possible. I’ll take the rest with aplomb and acceptance and total understanding as long as… my brain isn’t always on and always distorting everything for my mind.