😊

I don’t really know what to call it when you’ve been dragged through a sort of mental torture so… inexplicable that.. it eventually seems impossible to pull yourself away from it. It’s.. all-out frustration and another word would have to be… heartbreaking. Because you KNOW the real you is in there but the mental illness has also really well and truly wreaked havoc on it all of these years. The fight to unearth and find Brian. The most important thing for me to find. And I don’t mean in a spiritual way, or anything else like that kinda contrived shite. In my opinion at least. Truth is, my brain doesn’t have the capacity for that stuff anyway. What I simply mean is to FIND MY PERSONALITY BENEATH ALL THE OCD. God, that disorder has been given a thrown spanner in the works by what people seem to refer to it as being. Entirely wrong definition. But it doesn’t matter, what anyone else thinks. I need to keep going. Need to sit down, to sleep, to rest, to… live with the OCD. To somehow make it maybe even the best part of me. I deserve it. And my family definitely deserves to see it. So, yeah. Keep running, keep stretching, keep playing soccer, and keep thinking like I wanna think.