😊

Yah, it’s hard and it’s unfair and it makes me get angry from time to time with Mom because, well… it feels like too much hardship of the mind to have to achieve just to… stay okay. That’s ocd. You might just tend to take it out on those closest to you. She gets that, and I just hope she truly knows and understands that, yah, it is extra hard for me. I don’t want any excuses, though, which is why I always try and stay in the moment as best I can and to apologise to her in letting her know I feel bad about it. Although, If I’m angry, I’m angry, and I must accept that the ocd will do that to me, too, from time to time. But how to actually ever get to knowing if it’s the ocd or otherwise that makes me angry in the first place? Really, I can’t be trying to figure that particular answer out either. One thing: to live well with my ocd. That’s the aim, always was, and always will be. Met Orela today and her son Thomas in Bandon. Got a coffee for us both and a big pastry bun for Thomas. Super kid. Takes a while to get to know and take to someone, Orela was saying, but by the end he placed his little hand on my knee while we were waiting for a friend. That’s lovely, really. I came home after a couple of hours. Was it hard, that seemingly simple meet with a friend for coffee? Probably more-so… Kinda… enlightening than hard because, well, you’re doing all the things someone minus a mental disorder will have been doing, or at least feeling something akin to those kinda emotions along with it this time. I picked up some dominos at Grey Heron because… heck, I just bloody like these kinda silly little toys for myself, plus the girls can always play with them too. Plus.. Dad seems to wanna make upstairs at home a hangout area again, maybe even with a FUZZBALL TABLE for my beeday, so I can add that game to the mix as we go along 🤩 All is okay. All is good. Soccer tonight and the last two nights have been really enjoyable. Scored… six goals in all, which really doesn’t even matter that much, even if it’s nice to score headers at tight angles, and playing really well, which for me is the most important part of it all, minus overthinking anything. This, of course, can, and has, really affectEd my game in ways I won’t bother trying to explain right now. So, yeah. OCD. Living with a doubting disorder that will ultimately try and leave your mind paralysed and your precious thoughts and decisions utterly… predisposed to being bombarded and discombobulated to the max. You don’t really get to feel like your truest self with OCD all too often, but today I do feel a bit like myself. But, then, what about the part where when I do feel like this, this is exactly how my brain and mind are supposed to feel. Supposed to take things in? 🤔 difficult. That… and I won’t call it a wish or want, because no part of me wants to ruminate and to figure out what might be wrong, what might I need to ‘fix’ in my high-wired thoughts so as to inevitably move on with my day as best I can. ✌️ Bloody hell. OCD – and on I go. On we go!