Honestly I’m not sure that I can really understand what has happened to my brain with the OCD. To know it’s all illogical and only ever gonna leave me in a huge place of mental toil is… so fucking frustrating. But I do everything to be okay with it. I try so damn hard to be as normal as I possibly can. I’m not me, that’s the truth with the OCD, with what it entails. But this can’t be about yo-yoing back and forth at best. To live well with it it truly does seem I need to actually… in some way ignore the imbalance? Learn to… trick it?! An imbalance that begs to be relayed and replayed over and over again. I know nothing is wrong and at any given time, except of course for the fact that I have this mental illness to deal with, but my brain doesn’t know the very same thing so, really, no, I don’t in fact know that all is alright actually. Have I lost a part of myself then? Maybe, but I also feel like I am just there too. I’m scared and worried to do the same things that I’ve done a thousand times before. I want to get to me more than anything in this world. I want to feel like myself, to not get caught up and petrified inside of my brain. To not watch films and get insanely caught in needing to comprehend the plot or else, even before it’s actually been watched. The OCD has scattered my brain in ways that I cannot truly even comprehend for myself. It’s been happening for three quarters of my life. I never give up, but neither do I ever really get to experience things happening in front of me, so to speak. The mental scattering, etc. maybe even… eighty percent putting paid to that. These notes, though. They are always just that, notes about an OCD sufferer’s attempts at getting better. On paper it’s all there – the mental disorder, the support system, the petrified and mind-frying life lived. But I want to not get caught like that all over again. My fear is ending up in a psychiatric ward and… too lost in OCD triggered rumination to ever get out. I’ve done everything to even get to where I am. Done it all. The only thing that I don’t appear to have achieved in terms of facing it is… rewiring the actual goddamn imbalance itself. And I can’t do that part 😊 Truth is this too: OCD is a death of the mind. I hate saying that but nowhere near as much as I hate how this disorder takes me away from everything and everyone and only will ever leave me caught again and again and again at best. It’s… standing in the way of so much love and care and potential and smartness on my part, I know that so, so much, even when I’m in turmoil. I don’t wanna do any of this to anyone I know anymore. Least of all myself. I literally did and do nothing at all wrong, ever, but it has turned me in large part into a walking, talking petrified mess of a mind. And all I ever get to do is try and hang in there in, honestly, the most impressive way imaginable, to be perfectly honest. But I wanted much more for myself than that. Wanted so much more for others to see and get to enjoy too. Because I only ever cared outlandishly so about it all.