😊

I want to sit still and do nothing. I have to learn to do that, to not anticipate anything or anyone, etc. That’s it. My job for the time-being, anyhow. I want to watch as many movies as I might like. As many good and bad and average ones, I might like to take apart and make, perhaps, a poem-piece out of. I need to do that. As I stated in my website recently, there’s really no other choice in it for me – a sufferer of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A very, very long-time sufferer and chronic at that. I have to just let my mind relax entirely. To not do anything with it whatsoever other than to, maybe, just… think about all of the great people in my life. All of those amazing faces who have been with me through thick-and-thin, and will undoubtedly continue to do so. I have to just.. close my eyes and unwind. To not let the imbalance do its damnedest. To also continue to run and play soccer whenever I might fancy it. Or, if it all feels a little too much for my mind right then and there, to just not bother going. Taking a break. Even if I love soccer and running and would probably do it damn near everyday if I could. I’m tired of being tired and tired of trying and tired as hell of writing about what I might need to do next to stay, well, afloat to be perfectly honest. Because, truth said, this really isn’t any kind of a way to live your life. It’s barbaric and brutal and utterly… painful for my mind. My brain. I want to smile because that’s actually my default setting, really. I like the small errors in a day, the scenarios that might need to be navigated as best as one can achieve. And even if those errors turn out big for their worth, which of course they have done before? Then, to just, again, navigate them as best I can. No pressure. To just… Christ, be in a spontaneous enough mood wherein I can suddenly do something as mundane and plain and pleasure-filled as having a beer with a mate over the road. I can’t imagine what people think of me with the whole OCD thing but, honestly, I never really cared either. I just cared that it keeps me away from many people who I might like to have met up with a whole lot more. That it keeps me away from fully enjoying how I might end up thinking about things next. I don’t in any way mean to sound negative in my words here but… I don’t think you can paint too sunny a picture of something as unruly as OCD. I’ll never give up because, well, I guess I just have far too much living and scribbling, etc, etc. to do with my time. I just wish to do it with a mind free of the unruliness all the time. I’m a good person. I know that. I know it totally, and I want to feel it FULLY in myself one day 😃