I’m scared of being scared and scared of working so hard to not get stuck in a rumination, when all of my ruminations ARE leading directly to getting caught again. What I mean, is that it’s extremely difficult for me not to fall back into a mental-cycle that SHOULD NOT
ACTUALLY BE EXISTING IN THE FIRST PLACE inside of my head. I can not compare it to anything anymore, that’s… too tiring of its own accord. I’ve done and do all that I can, all of the time. I just want the real, clear-minded Brian. Is that too much to ask at this stage? I’m doing it all, and much, much more. I am scared because, at best, right now even, I am not particularly clearheaded at all, actually. And I mean with regards the ocd imbalance, not… just your typical wanting to be clearheaded, that people may often, or not, look for in themselves. It’s not that simple when it’s your own brain that’s being unwillingly forced to do all of this to you. It’s not straight-forward enough for me at all yet, to get to do the normal day-to-day things that, basically, everyone else gets to do. That’s harsh and… detrimentally unfair. Onus on the MENTALLY there! I honestly dunno if I can mentally withstand, say, for instance, a crowd of people.. of a night-out. I don’t want to drink, cannot afford to drink on a mental level. And neither do I need to drink. However… the larger the crowd the more my ocd mindset tends to wander away from.. well, a seemingly much-needed quiet. Maybe that might make me drink in itself, but not to soften the mental pain either, just.. to be doing something like any normal person might feel a need to do, too. On a side-note I really am kinda in awe of Phil. He’s such a fucking good, good person and so damn real and always, ALWAYS willing to work on himself, when, truly, any of the stuff that he seems to wish to work on with himself is actually down to other people’s mannerisms and ways at the foundation. There are of course two sides to every story but that fella goes way past the middle mark. Exactly where I, at least, think any two people should meet. At the middle, as they say. A legend in so many ways it’s ridiculous. I hope he does get to know and feel it because, by God.. that mother fucker is one of the best people I am honoured to get to call a very, very close friend. Hell, he’s like a brother to me. Always was, always will be, but it sure is damn good to get to actually feel it much more in being as present as I can be… at the present time. It truly is the icing-on-the-cake that he ended up marrying my cousin Aoife, another absolute Grade-A person to be perfectly honest and fair about it. I am biased, of course I am. She’s my cousin, but… it is what it is 🤷‍♂️ Over and… out for now(?!?) 🤨