It’s your own game of.. utterly effed-up poker, you can say, for sure. It’s decidedly abstract – all that is happening inside of your OCD-brain – so perhaps this will be far easier for a non-sufferer to understand what I might mean. There are obstacles that really aren’t actually there, mentally they’re there, that’s an imbalanced given. However, physically they are not. What I mean by that is that… your OCD-brain is so very extraordinarily alarmed and all of the time, that it is pretty much impossible for the sufferer to know what is a real problem or thing to worry about and what is the OCD. OCD thoughts will feel just as real – if not more as they’re on a continual loop-cycle all the time for the sufferer – than the normal comings-and-goings of thoughts that people have in their life. I just hate that it is always this thing that ends up being associated with things I might miss, and fail to remember. Apologies I might need to continually make to certain people. It’s always pretty much owing to the mind being utterly distracted and at any given moment. So, that’s where the game of effed-up poker comes into play. So, the thing that OCD does is, it tells your mind that you have to figure out a particular error that WILL DEFINITELY OCCUR otherwise it will destroy everything in your path. To this day I haven’t been able to explain what that even means as, really,
out-and-out disaster is already happening inside of your poor and addled brain. So, basically, an OCD sufferer will spend their whole life trying to settle this irrational imbalance. You will be making what feels like a thousand moves per moment inside of your mind. That’s the exhausting nature of OCD. A thousand moves so as NOT TO UPSET YOURSELF when, really, you are becoming all the more upset by hooking your mind and brain into these nauseating compulsions and, therefore, mind-boggling ruminations. This can happen when you are either on a toilet, having a shower, or maybe even onboard a flight. It’s not based on the reality happening around you, whatsoever, actually. It doesn’t matter where or how calm things should surely be for the person, the level of poker-faced ‘intelligence‘ occurring, let’s call it, and ceaselessly ongoing inside of your mind is… well, yeah, exhausting. All a waste of time and mind but that’s not how it feels for the sufferer, in fact the opposite is how it feels for the sufferer. It’s a shit-show, and of course it will affect your mood and personality. How can it not do that particular thing?!! The truth is you’re lost, lost in a manner which even you cannot wholly understand, let alone anyone else. The only real saving-grace of sorts with this whole thing is that it IS a diagnosed mental-disorder. Severely so, in fact. However, that really doesn’t do anything other than have you thinking: “what the **** is happening, and what the **** am I missing.” Again.. I don’t even mind so much missing out on things, what I do however mind is not getting to feel my truest self. It’s a good self. It’s maybe even one of the best I know. But, then, I can really only ever guess such a thing based on other people’s opinions and how they seem to feel about me. Really, how I have been with people given the strength of my particular OCD and for so long a time in my life is… mesmerising. I shouldn’t be able to hold any kind of friendship or relationship together, that’s just how it is. But that’s no great thing to have to admit to, that your strengths lie solely with what you can achieve whilst living with a mental disorder. I can’t even begin to imagine myself and my life without the OCD. That might sound far too fanciful but it’s either close to that outcome for me going forward or… unending mental pain that really cannot be expected of any one person. And certainly not for this long a time-frame. A sufferer being yo-yo-ed about the place like they really have no choice regarding anything except the ability to breathe. People asking you: “are you dyslexic, on some sort of a spectrum?!” What am I supposed to say? “Nope, none of the above, it’s actually this entirely other thing called OCD… .” “Agggh! So you like to keep things in particular order? Surely that’s a great thing, no?” All I really am is a fecking miracle, actually. A miracle of mind that I’m still fighting this thing. And people think I’m gonna be interested in talking about basic conversations, easy, in-a-straight-line things to achieve in a life like jobs and houses and families etc, when all I wanna do is work when I can actually manage to do that thing and write and create the uncreated. The utterly brand new. 😴 The truth of the situation right now is that I am locked in a mental state of Fight AND Flight: fight, in that I am wary of any sudden disasters happening, and flight, because I am also learning to NOT be thinking in that way. But, as I say, it’s locked-in at this stage. So, yeah… you’re trying to let your brain… entirely alone until it can feel, as I have said before, a semblance of a balanced feeling for itself. Truth is, my mind was never a mess whatsoever at all – the ocd was a mess. That’s all, really 😃