🤜

Angles of thought don’t matter. Any thought doesn’t really matter. This is the cold, hard truth of OCD. It’s… an imbalance. Follow and back yourself in managing to live with JUST THAT THING and the rest of it, the ETC. of OCD, as I call it, will fall away. Fade away. Whichever. And even if it doesn’t do those particular things, which can all-too-often be the case with this thing, it’s all in the head in the end. Yeah, thoughts matter, in terms of where they take you and the choices you might like to make, might even have to make, and how they make you feel. But these are NOT thoughts. Or at least not in the authentic instance anyway. This is a brain frazzled and hot-wired in the very first place by a seemingly mesmerising level of imbalance that the sufferer has no real control over, not unless, if it is in fact a chronic case, and for me at least, you eventually do get to add the right kind of medication to the mix along the way and you work your ******* socks off. The sufferer is dealing with illogical and hot-wired thoughts pretty much on constant and, REALLY, that’s all it will ever be. A misfiring brain. All of this happening where we really do need a normal-working brain for us to survive, let alone thrive. And that’s all it has ever been for me. For any such sufferer of OCD. All it will ever be. To an outlandishly difficult and challenging extent, however. That deserves… an inexplicable amount of praise. Truly. Honestly it’s kinda like… climbing Mount Everest minus… I dunno. Minus whatever the hell a person truly needs to do to truly survive hiking Mount Everest, is living with OCD. And we are just somehow not able to make it to the top – to reach a balanced, or close enough to that particular thing, brain for ourselves. So, yeah, we are undeniably proud, and that’s something we have to carry with us, to even learn to engrain it in us, like the most secretive badge of honour imaginable even when whatever else might be going on inside of our head is happening 😊 It’s like a bogus mathematical equation with no right of wrong or even ANY kind of answer at all, and which no-one else is even prompted by their brain in the first place to feel an utter need to HAVE TO figure-out the answer to. That’s OCD. And even if you did somehow manage to ‘answer’ it, whatever IT is – it being the imbalance in ALL OF THESE INSTANCES, of course – congrats, all you’ll have done, really, is antagonised a pointless and never-ending ‘question’ whilst simultaneously falling right back into… distorted-land inside of your mind 🤷 There’s films on it, although not too many at all, it has to be said, and I’d have to mention The Aviator with Leonardo Di Capri-Sun for its worth 😉. There are probably many ways people have tried in vain to depict the realness of living with it. And of course it’s not their fault that they can’t appear to do so. I mean, perhaps it’s just that way in the eyes of the sufferer of OCD, to be fair. That film makers cannot depict it properly and in such a unique and important way so that even the sufferers can truly feel understood. We wish more than anything in this whole wide world for more understanding as to the actual mental level of toil occurring, is what I mean to say. You really can’t expect that understanding from all of everybody. Well, I suppose not unless someone actually gets to sit inside of your brain for a whole while in experiencing the utter fallout. But, for me, I choose to turn EVERY LAST PART OF IT towards the scribbles when I can do that thing. And, then.. well, I suppose I’m also simultaneously playing the waiting-game of the century, really, to see if, somehow, my brain will eventually… move on, because with OCD it’s literally your brain – and mind, as a consequence of that – getting caught in a moment-to-moment one last unstoppable and relatively meaningful attempt, actually, at: “Yeah… but if I just think this thing through properly and figure it out for NOW, I can pretty much finally move on with my mind. My life.” That’s… 😯. It’s also been informing pretty much ALL of the scribbles, really, but that had and has to be worked out for its worth, too, whatever the hell that even is, over a long-ass stretch of time. And, for me, that’s a silver-lining like NO OTHER I could have ever really brought myself to wish for, so, really, why’d I be all that angry. Except for maybe how it puts other people out. And, of course, for how it actually messes up my brain on an anxious level. That feeling sucks dirt!!