🧐

The interest is on other poems, other pieces, because maybe I’ve kinda kept myself out of that whole thing. Of, yes, understanding that many many people can write and write extremely extremely well. But I automatically thought then: “what’s the point?! How can I ever be the best, if that’s how good others are already? What other ways are there to push this particular thing?!” And that’s, I suppose, the place where you find yourself thinking: “do I sink or swim with this stuff.” But then I dunno how much I actually want to swim with it. I mean, it was done to establish a free-flow of mind and nothing else. For me to one day get to read and write… so very slow and painstakingly that it was normal frustration. Like anyone else’s frustration. To work my job, come home and maybe scribble some more. See where that takes me and at…. slow as hell pace. Normal pace, I can only assume to call that. But… I can’t know without the occurrence of ocd with me if I would have wanted this path. It’s.. a path in so far as I’m willing to believe in it, and as far as I’m concerned, when I think about it… actually that’s the thing.. I haven’t quite yet gotten to think about anything really. The ocd really is THAT much standing in the way of many many many things thought-wise, planning-wise. However, you either do sink or swim with that, and that’s still my main aim, but with a mental disorder… I guess that you won’t get any real plaudits for however you handle it. Not like an artist might get plaudits for their work, their vision. So, really, you’re trying to succeed at one thing while the other thing is so huge yet SO invisible to anyone else, that you don’t know which way is up – and that’s the main problem. Main worry. Do you lose your mind with ocd? … yeah, a sufferer kinda does, absolutely. But it’s in the most painstaking manner imaginable. You… you can’t explain the inexplicable. But in our heads it’s utterly sensical… to worry.. to an outrageous extent. It’s a dream, your biggest dream ever: to not be overcome with ocd emotion/commotion. We don’t get to understand just how illogical it is. That’s the hardest part in it all. I mean… yeah, that’s it.