People think that this was just a bad experience, my ocd. As if I had any sort of a hold over it, or any ability whatsoever to manoeuvre about with my life and its goings-on with this thing. I had absolutely NO ROOM for manoeuvre, not to mention a brain caught in a constant and NEVER-ENDING loop-cycle of rumination. An imbalance became… one eleven-year-old boy being convinced by the misfiring and, therefore, miscalculations of his adolescent brain that EVERYTHING was going to fall apart in his whole wide world if he DID NOT find an answer. The question? Just an irrational anxiety about a topic, any such topic that, inevitably, the brain gets itself looped with, which then, gets so very over-thought and over-analysed that it is sent toward utter, UTTER distortion of the mind. UTTER! I was ELEVEN! An obsession became a compulsion and, as the nasty fucking pair opted to fight it out between themselves in search of said answer, and for close to three decades and of their OWN accord ENTIRELY, what do I end up having to deal with but a life-destroying mental disorder. That’s what it is. What it did to me. What it still may very well do to me. I have actually written letters of apology to both my mother and sister for putting them through this thing. Even if they know I wanted no part in any of it. I have even contemplated ending it one time. I’m sincerely shocked it is only once, actually. How can you not?! Even if, to live, deep, DEEP down, is the one thing that you want most in this world for yourself. A hiccup of the brain… and, well… then the rest is just an outrageous onslaught of never-ending, mind-defining mental illness. But the mental anguish itself? How does that feel? HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! And I NEVER chose to smoke cigarettes. I smoked cigarettes to attempt to calm a mind on absolute FIRE!!! But I am getting there. With the help of an unbelievable family- there are really no real ways to describe JUST how in debt to them all I am, and I will NEVER, EVER lose sight of that fact. And now, an amazing girlfriend, too, who is funny and beautiful and all of the things I really might have wished for in a person. That’s so nice and so deserved, I think, anyhow. Dearest Rossana, you absolute Spanish legend. Thanks, you guys xxx

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