😊

There’s this feeling, right now, of normalcy mixed in with utter fear. That is my mind returning to a place and pace of calm which it should always have felt. Which it has not felt for over twenty-eight-years. This is hard, hard to know that I have chronic OCD, even, and hard to also know, simultaneously, that my brain isn’t wired the correct and efficient way to keep on top of NOT RUMINATING all the time. When all that your brain has EVER shown and thought you is FEAR how are you ever supposed to think it is normal to NOT BE STUCK in a constant state of cyclical anxiety? How are you supposed to know that what you are doing is utterly correct. How could it not be? You are a million times calmer than you may have ever been before. You are doing all of the things that you have always wanted to be doing. Even if it is in a somewhat… startled and scared state of mind still. Helping your girlfriend look for a house which she might like to buy, staying in her rented house to keep her and Bax company, etc, etc. Loving your time with them, with everyone who you care about, really. Almost getting to be, or, rather, FEEL like the real YOU with them. I do think I do more than enough to show them the real me most of the time, to show most people I care about the real me, however hard it can be to stay calm. I’ve been keeping fit. Eating well. Meeting friends. However, why do I STILL have to feel.. utterly petrified if I fall. I fall and the mental pain is… as I’ve stated many a time before, beyond ANYTHING that any of my words can ever even begin to describe. Who would want that all over again? Not me! Not ANY OCD-sufferer, for that matter!! That’s it, though, that is the thing that scares us and, also, kills us maybe the most — the work we DO put in. Or, at least, try AS HARD as possible to put in given the level of our own personal imbalances of the brain, only for it to let us down at the drop of a hat, seemingly. That is not fair. OCD is NOT fair. But if what I truly need to keep doing to calm it as best I can IS to just let my mind alone, then so be it. But, just so people do know, even now, as I use the right medications with my doctor and do all of the necessary stuff, my mind can STILL get caught-up in an almighty brain-fog of fear and confusion and, worst of all, NEEDING TO RUMINATE and sort out that answer to a question that never stops being asked. I.e. all of it courtesy of the imbalance. It feels like I have a key to feeling normal now. Or, at least, to feeling very well balanced only, then… the f*cking door in front of me turns out to be a bloody tiny little door only I appear to have the wrong f*cking key. And even if I do try and smash through said ShitWeak door… there seems to be… ANOTHER fuuuucking door in my way. 🤔 In a very weird and real sense, of mind, anyhow, it does feel as if you are watching and experiencing it all through… a partition of sorts- a partition that won’t let you through. I.e. to feel things the way you assume most people get to do.