…..

I suppose you go ahead of yourself and you create that stuff, that poetry, that book, whatever really can keep you in the game. The game, though? What an absolute horror show it’s been… a really effed Up experience of crashings atop crashings of CRUSHING anxiety of mind. That’s the ocd, that’s the mental illness that firstly feels so real, and secondly, may as well be the truth as it IS JUST THAT IN YOUR deranged brain. It’s a sadness at a life utterly lost to this illness. Pure O/ where all the compulsions are in the mind. What I’ve been through, though; what I have created, what I have done with and for friends. And all this for someone who really has no interest in being the centre of anyone’s attention anymore. I’m ok. As well as my brain can handle things. I accepted what happened, what I lost and what caused me this pure and rawness of unstoppable mental pain since I was a child. I mean, it is what it is. Diagnosed and all. Medicated well. Etc. Etc. That’s a relief, if there is any real sense of relief with this thing. But I still held my breath and dug deep for that window of opportunity in creating with words however horrendous everything got for myself. That is.. beyond imaginable how I did that alone, actually. Anyhow. A horror reel of an existence, a pitiful thing of utter heartbreak AND brainbreak. I didn’t ask for it. It’s just an imbalance of the brain – and the fucker gets left utterly petrified by crowds, for instance: they take my mind away from a certain sense of silence and stir the ruminations and uncertainty owing to the utter imbalance until I’m.. well, caught again. No ones sees it. No one feels it, and no one will ever get to experience it. Just me. Brian. A fella who wants for a fairly simple life actually – to not need to try and push my potential to its highest extent anymore. I’ll take the easy job. The one, in fact, that my mixed up brain will let me do well enough to keep that job. I’ll take that. I truly will. Yes, my story is so very fucked up it should be in a movie, and maybe it will be one day, again, as di Caprio did play Howard Hughes in The Aviator. Imagine that. Watching a movie about a billionaire with ocd while in hospital for your ocd!! Only the doctors had no real clue what it is they were supposed to be looking for. Maybe I get to write it, even. This next film about the subject of ocd, I mean. However, I’d much much much MUCH prefer write something like this with a good and relatively balanced brain in place. Then, well… the mind and personality can take care of itself. That’s what I’ve been pretty much waiting for while twiddling my thumbs and trying to create my own scribble-some little world of fun for myself ✌️ ‘Unauthorised Living’ is a great series, by the way. All about a cartel family in Spain. Little bit long and drawn out at this stage in proceedings, what with being about, hmm… fifteen hour-long-plus series in, but definitely worth it.