I do not sign-up to any of this stuff about having to go through severe hardship, mental or otherwise, to find true happiness. What I do in-fact sign-up to, though, is the clear and obvious fact, to others anyhow, that I have chronic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, have had since the age of eleven, I am now 42 years-of-age. However, minus this particular disorder doing what it does to a brain – the utterly unwanted and, what is more, outlandishly confusing mentally petrifying distortions it brings with it, what can a sufferer’s life look like? That is the kind of place where I have always and forever attempted to get to, alas of no truly strong enough avail, it has to be stated. And of course that has a hindrance on my relationships going forward, as well as many an other thing. How could it not do such a thing, really? But it’s incredibly and increasingly obvious to me that I don’t want to be suffering with this, do not want to have to watch it take my mind away from itself time and again. Never have. And I also accept everything that comes with it, always have tried to do so on that score too. But that begs the exact same question again, what is a sufferer’s life supposed to be like when the OCD is, okay… let’s say, instead of ‘turned-off’, turned-down a helluva lot, thanks for asking? Because whatever level this mental illness appears to be at inside of the sufferer’s brain it is still all just utterly upside-downness happening on one mental level or the other to said sufferer. And where does a brain go to find calm if that calm does not exist? I suppose it goes relatively insane, maybe. That perhaps the utter belief part that automatically has us believing ONE-HUNDRED-PERCENT THAT DISASTER EITHER IS, OR WILL, HAPPEN… unless of course we can stop that very thing from happening. And, also, where on earth does a sufferer’s mind go when, let’s say, it has arguably exhausted every angle of thought regarding the discombobulation of the illness and all that it entails and they might actually, almost reassuringly find themselves with the thought: “okay, so I know there is a compulsion part and I know there is an obsession part, and I sure-as-shit know there is a disordered part? Well, in my instance, anyhow, it leads to becoming chronically endowed with the knowledge of what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder looks like – as if I am a doctor and perfectly able to explain its ins and outs to other people, and before I know it this occurrence is once more joined in its existence inside of my brain and mind with: “okay, something is still wrong, I mean, I know that obsession is utterly ridiculous, and I know that that is the compulsion that comes with it to ‘calm it’, but why then is my mind trying to disprove that I am still dealing with elements of OCD? Because, put oh so plain and simple for the reader, and certainly not the sufferer, I’m afraid to say, hence us having the OCD in the first place, the disorder seems to have taken itself past the part where it needs for the themes to even be there and, over the decades, it has so very perversely latched onto old themes, sub-themes, etc. in mine and many other people’s existence, of that I am sure. And the second I come upon anything resembling ANYTHING in-line with these life-long OCD themes, which is pretty easily gonna happen because, well, OCD finds ANYTHING whatsoever to latch onto anyway, and I mean ANYTHING, it’s down the rabbit-hole my mind and brain has gone again. So, really, that rabbit-hole is even there before any obsessions and compulsions come to the fore, or rather because my brain has been disordered for so very long the engrained nature of my brain is leaning toward utterly distorted fear and that happens almost immediately to my brain the second I wake-up. Yeah, this is all a disordered brain and a mental illness in the first place, but I need to help someone in the future, and not to boost my ego, truly I do not understand the need for an ego and other things like that. I have no real reason for it, or maybe I was too addled in the first place to ever have to decide about these things which I am sure most people get to think through as they go with their days. I just want to focus on something that can help someone, and neither is helping just one person a small thing, even if the word ‘just’ might make that seems so. I want to not have to co-exist with the OCD to this extent. Because that is not existing, really. Even when I say it is, I do not necessarily mean it. This might sound rather ridiculous, but I have always, always only ever tried to lose my shit in style – i.e. be the very best I can be at trying to feel and act as close to being a mentally balanced person as I can get.