It is utterly unimaginable what has happened. Beyond anything… yeah, imaginable. A bloody godawful imbalance and then the ruminating loop-cycle of the century took hold, for me. It’s.. disgusting in so many brutal and mentally twisted ways. It’s… honestly the most horrendous life any one person could end up having to deal with. But deal with it, I did. And to the point of NEVER, ever giving in. Giving up. You’re not going to be normal as a result of the illness. Not a chance, actually. A mental illness. That is what it is, bottom-line. I am proud. Proud beyond a shadow of any doubt whatsoever. But the actual level of mental agony? Wow! It’s… excruciating and endless and, for all of your day, you are caught in the loop of intrusive thought. Believing that if you do not try and figure out the answers to settle that irrational loop-cycle inside of your brain, that you are going to be in serious, SERIOUS trouble. I’ve done it all. I have been to hospital. I have taken the medications like a good boy. And I am thankful for them. Don’t get me wrong on that particular score. But you are a ghost of yourself. Have been living that way for a very, very, VERY LONG TIME. A walking, talking, agonisingly alarmed and antagonised person and to a point of irretrievable confusion inside of said mind. It’s a miracle, truly, that I am even standing upright today. It is… I need to and, what is more, deserve to be looked after one-hundred percent and ALL OF THE TIME. Be it financially. Be it mentally. I didn’t exist in the same mindset as anyone else that I know. Just didn’t. In fact, I still don’t get to feel as close to normal as is possible for me to achieve. I do try. Endlessly and full of endless effort. I just cannot afford to give up. Although, really, you don’t get to give up. Instead, rather you end up giving in to the intrusive thoughts all over again. They are on your ass, all awhile fighting for some sense of upside-down and pulsating breath whilst, simultaneously, you lose your own breath as a result. It’s not fair, it is utterly unruly and only do you get to understand and know that soon as you get anywhere near a truer balance of brain. A balance of Brian 😃