I’m hoping to get clear with the ocd and to really get to grips with the scribbles. I’ve been forced to think much too fast and that isn’t too much calmness for anyone, to be honest. I want to take the scribbles much, much slower and to read the books I want to read, etc. I want to break clear, though, of the ocd. It’s become a huge and rather defining part of me, I reckon. And that needs to stop. But I did nothing wrong. All that can happen me with this thing, as ever, is to find myself falling way back down and getting f*cked again by this disorder. Now, I cannot have that particular thing happening, it’s too mentally disruptive, not to mention utter agony of my brain. It cannot steer everything, just can not! I don’t want this on my ass all the time. I don’t know what it stops potential-wise. I don’t even want to imagine it. All I want is to be able to mentally thrive with this thing. That’s it. As I say, once there is the relative level of balance with the ocd, a level which I can totally cope with, then I will happily be me. I’ll take anything on, really. I cannot for the life of me, though, stop my brain from getting caught-up time again. The proof? That I’m not better inside of my mind. Or, at best, still seriously struggling to stay upright and able. Getting better and better, no two ways, but… still. It is far too harsh on my mind most of the time. It isn’t sustainable for any one person to have to deal with this thing and utterly against their every will imaginable. No one sees it- the level of mental pain and ambush. It’s what I ended up theming the scribbles on, mostly, I suppose. Of course it is! And the scribbles need to be given the time to be promoted, etc. I need to feel well enough to not only work but, also, to actually continue on with a life around it that isn’t pulsating and impossible for me. People need to know that I do everything to stay in the moment. It’s… gutting to get there at times and to suddenly realise, “Agh! So, yeah.. it IS all of it an illogical imbalance, after all! Ok, let’s work with this… … ” only, then, for your mixed-up wirings of the brain to make you completely forget this fact. That’s not gutting, that’s the most perverted and fucked-up mental mind-game in the whole world, surely. And, soon enough, you find yourself starting with the whole mental debacle all over again. Ocd sufferers aren’t merely heroes and heroines in my all too learned opinion. They are… uncompromising in their strength of mind. So outlandishly brave and, it seems, with all of the mental odds stacked disgustingly against them. The only option for us is to mentally thrive, as I mentioned, not just survive – surviving is still being caught-up. And still being caught-up is precisely the thing which we are attempting not to do… …
time and time AND time again whilst our nearest and dearest will only ever wonder “What the fuck is going on!?!” That sort of heartbreak is impossible to deal with… even if I do 😊