When someone asks you about why you don’t choose to work, it is utterly frustrating and embarrassing because you do want to work, in fact you’d work all of the hours under the sun so long as the trade-off was not to be caught in the cycle of ocd rumination which my particular mind has had to contend with. Not… coping. Ok, coping in so far as you are walking upright and doing the normal day to day things. But certainly not coping on a personal and internal level until you get to the stage with the whole disorder where you can actually be cured enough to actually think straight. No one sees it. No one understands the fall out, and no one should ever ask questions of a person who has been diagnosed with this disorder to such a chronic extent that their mind has been fighting for survival in a mental sense of actually getting to relax and actually… for their brain to breath. Every walk in the rain is to get your mind to breathe, for it to settle. You have never, ever even known what ‘settled’ is. You cover all possible scenarios in life to the point of utter mental anguish and at a bewildered pace inside of your mind, and all of this while someone might have the sudden audacity to ask, “why you not working?” Working?! I write all day most days and for not a penny in case that offsets against the welfare I receive. So I worry that they will see me succeed and, what is more, seem to carry with it a carefree and humorous personality? Yes, of course I do. I have to or else it’s bedridden. There is no getting away from it til you get away from it. Because every single avenue of thought had been jaded well into my teenage years, and the rest.. well, that’s just been a day-to-day, minute-to-minute, second-by-second attempt to STOP RUMINATING. And all because the part of your brain where a person NEEDS to be able to think straight and one thing at a time has been utterly frazzled and placed in an imbalanced setup of unbeknownst unrest. The rest? What becomes known as ocd. An obsession about something and then a compulsion to try and rectify it. There is nothing to rectify – nothing is actually happening or going wrong around you, etc. But that right there is the imbalance. That right there is the crux that destroys my mind

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