It was never supposed to be in any way difficult, really, and certainly not all atrociously distorted up inside of my mind, to be able to go to work, to come home, to take breaks, to meet friends, family, to buy a car, clothes, beers on night’s out, meals, a house, even. Basically, it was never, ever supposed to be made pretty much mentally impossible for someone to do these types of things. To live their life at any level of resolve, really. But this is what OCD does, a mental disorder that truly is despicable for its whole-wide mentally upside-down worth. That’s gonna be true always, and I’ve to always live with it, but by doing that to a sustainable extent I know that I’ll need to… figure-out a way to let my brain TRULY know SOMEHOW that it isn’t in fact supposed to be petrified and mixing itself all up in mental distortion and pile-driving rumination all of the time. When the exposures aren’t enough and the imbalance is too well engrained, how is that particular thing even done? I honestly don’t know yet but I will never not try, it’s the ONLY option to keep my mind and brain away from a life of more and more and more pulverising mental anguish and isolation from the world happening around me. So, I’m gonna have to… trick an already tricked brain in the first place into… not getting caught in the grips of its own outlandishly complex imbalance. I have to, HAVE TO approach this whole thing by figuring that out for myself now. But what if I can’t? Figure it out. In that there’s nothing to figure-out and that the imbalance is… not my problem, in that I cannot keep trying to keep it quiet. To keep it ANYTHING, really. That’s being tasked, literally, with rebalancing a tragically imbalanced brain. I can’t be holding myself accountable anymore for trying to figure it all out, and by that I mean the workings, or not, of an imbalanced brain 🧐