So is this gonna happen where the better I might start to feel after a whole life nearly of outrageous and nonsensical and never ending anxiety, people start to think, “he seems perfectly ok now, why doesn’t he just do everything like everyone else?!” That is a worry for me and the only reason I am even at this stage is owing to never ever giving up to the mental illness, simple as that. Most people, I am fairly certain, would never have mentally held themselves together with this level of mental illness, even though it has been an absolute fucking nightmare of unexplainable proportions. I lost my whole life and the worst part isn’t that but rather that I cannot go back to that level of torture ever again and that scares the fucking life out of me and I am doing everything, as I say, to allay it. Everything. I shouldn’t be questioned, not one bit. Ever! But rather I should be bloody well respected and utterly supported as I have always been, I think, for getting to this stage at all. I have literally only had about ten extremely short periods in my life since between the ages of eleven and now, thirty-eight years-old wherein I’ve actually felt somewhat like myself at all. Have gotten to feel my own truest personality. What I have been through is, as I say, a fucking nightmare that no one can ever even begin to imagine, and not only did I imagine it, but I actually had to watch my own imbalanced brain send me into a ruminating, obsession-fuelled and cyclical brain-lock for those very nearly three decades.
Very nearly three decades. I am… just 38.