Had  a lovely time at Saoirse’s Communion on Saturday and went to Courtmac for dinner after the mass. Stayed with it and let it all be there – the imbalance – and had a couple of beers without trying to make sure everything needed to be exact, or whatever the hell this disorder tries to do in calming itself. I think I was in good and decent form as well as I could be and enjoyed the time with Mom, Dad, and Claire in the evening, then home with Coman and the girls. Had a couple of beers with Chris and Coman too after the Champions League Final. Oh yeah, PSG won that at an absolute canter! 5-0!! To be honest, it is still like everything around me is just caught in a dangling case of catastrophe, and even though I have been here a million times before, how on earth IS a person with chronic OCD supposed to live with the part where it is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CORRECT for them NOT to be caught up in Illogical-Land inside of their head all the time? As in, I only remembered that final of soccer right this moment and two days later, whereas most people who like and enjoy soccer would maybe have thought about it a fair few times since that game happened, let alone they even getting to daydream about it, etc. etc. My mind is going toward a hundred things in one minute, that the brain’s search for calm amidst its imbalance. I am okay but I am also scared and also… the truest case perhaps of a mental disorder messing a mind up, the truest case indeed of  a person’s mind being taken to the hardest mental scenario imaginable and almost all of the time. While a world happens all round me. That is… hard to remain as an entirely heartbreaking feeling alone because, well, the imbalance and disorder even manages to override that emotion in being too busy in its own right at trying to calm the illogical narrative that occurs in the first instance. That also the same narrative that has been engraining itself to the point of automatic whenever triggered inside of the sufferer’s mind via hard-hitting theme/s over the course of the last few decades and that is, therefore, what is really happening to the mind, even though you are supposed to… NOT ENTERTAIN this very thing even when the mind believes ONE HUNDRED PERCENT THAT IT IS WRONG TO NOT WANT TO CALM IT!!! Yeah… unreal to live with but also precisely the reason why I try so damn hard to basically… save me from me, I guess you could say. None of it by choice WHATSOEVER, but for the part in my singlehandedly trying to be okay with the OCD