Why am I literally the only person who cannot know it is OCD that is doing this to me and to truly kick-on from it on a mental note? Why does it keep on dragging me back in and at the drop of a hat? It’s all the time and even when it’s not all the time, it’s… still engrained: this mental certainty that catastrophe is happening and to stop it from happening… immediately OR ELSE!! It’s the hardest, most difficult, and resilient mental-illness out there, surely. It’s standing in the way of so, so much for me. Not just experiences, etc. but actual emotions. How can it still just all boil down to a chemical imbalance all of the time, after all of these decades of carrying it with me? And why can I not, as I say, kick-on? I swear to God, I have tried in spite of it a million times over, have tried to get my brain and mind to a place of… balance. I’ve tried all of this while my world falls apart, as well as my thoughts getting caught-up in petrifying distortions and all inside of my brain. I mean my world falling apart in terms of inside of my brain, is all. I’ve tried to explain it to people, even though they will never really get the true ins and outs. And why should they? I mean, I certainly end-up not getting it either. But the level of resilience with this thing it takes is… maybe I actually, just this once, let myself be lost for words on that particular description. I have to stand-up for myself on that particular score, too, and say that that is pretty much all I truly have to really, really be outlandishly proud of in terms of something… even achieved. That’s not meaning to sound negative, just… explanatory for its worth. I have to try and be as positive as humanly possible with this illogical thing happening to me. But I want people to know that I try in ways no-one can ever begin to imagine, and often from minute-to-minute. I want them to know that an OCD sufferer isn’t any of the things their imbalanced brain is doing to their mind. Not at all. We don’t choose it, but we do try and choose to sit with all that it does entail. I want people to know that I am a mere bystander in my own life a helluva lot of the time but that, also, I am not giving in to it. Ever. My engrained imbalance has, over a long scope of time, made my mind do so many things to itself, layer, over layer, over layer, so as to finally cease the OCD from being so hazardous, and the end result is always the very same. It getting caught-up in distorted illogic so very mind-pummelling and sadly wasteful of a good, good mind in the first place, it’s… yeah, it’s impossible to expand on what happens on a mental level to my brain. I mean, I can indeed expand, but letting people know of all of the above and how it feels doesn’t make it… stop, or disappear. So you only ever continue on with it like I’ve done for most of my life. I need even myself to know that mine IS a good brain, a good mind. A caring one, too. A brain and mind that has never, ever had an interest in bringing all of this baggage with it. And to put it on the people I care about in my life. But what an OCD sufferer needs to do to not suffocate inside of their mind with this thing is to never engage with it. As I said before, to NOT IN FACT ENGAGE with a complex imbalance of brain so very all-consuming and all-conquering like OCD truly does take… everything. Everything to stop, in a manner, absolutely nothing from happening, as it is only ever occurring inside of your brain in the first place. Often the descriptions won’t make sense to other people but, trust me, my mind will have gone over that too. It’s gone over everything and much of that utterly against my will too. I think the level of absolute rumination for me is close to all day. But I try. I try and help something that shouldn’t be there in terms of its utter illogic to help it feel relaxed. I do live in fear of being unable to explain it, whenever someone wonders why I don’t work. I cover everything on that subject too. Or, rather, perhaps more lately I cover the things that a non-imbalanced brain might want to think about and relatively fret over too, only for the fact that, added to my progress AND relative improvement over these past tens years, is still the fact that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder thrown into the mix for its hurting worth. And what that means is that distorted illogic is still running the gamut and still mixing my mind up as I go ❤️