My brain believes without fail that disaster is happening to me at any given moment. The imbalance – OCD. Obsessions, compulsions, and the dastardly disorder part, of course. I know I cannot just fix it and that is okay too, has to be, I have little other choice in the matter anyhow. Can there be an obsession without a compulsion and vice-versa? I assume there can be absolutely bloody damn-well anything-goes when it comes to the brain and its workings. For me anyhow, I will yo yo from concentrating on just the imbalance and not letting the usual obsession and compulsion take a hold of my mind almost entirely. My theme over the years has become the fear of ending up homeless. And in my arduously-as-hell attempt at trying to figure out why the fuck that is even a question I am asking myself over and over again, let alone my trying to figure out how to stop that thing from happening, the imbalance has become, let’s say, further and further adhered to either way. Embedded like crazy. Disorder! Distortion. Etc., etc.. A brain disfigured, even. And what if, even without the pummeling level of obsession and compulsion, your brain is still so very mentally engrained with that hanging level of catastrophic fear? What to do then? Well, you will find yourself jumping from one weakening theme to the possibility of another one taking total hold. And if it isn’t then, really… it should absolutely be! Surely!? These other attempts at themes are rubbish on any level, of course, but can take up any such theme possible that might stand immediately before my very eyes. My theme is money and symmetry. Seems to always have been. That is what can absolutely take me apart on a mental level and at the absolute drop of a hat. No two ways! In what order I cannot be too sure but I can sure as shit say that this whole thing happening inside of my head has made my life near impossible to live. PTSD? I would absolutely assume so, too. A brain almost shocked into total fear and distortion, etc., and every second, really, in some form or the other is ruled by the OCD for me – from the moment I go into a room and experience something that I will have experienced before, as in a visual representation or whatever, I can immediately find myself trying to figure out the exact same version of that compulsion that I did way back then. Leaving me more and more mentally stuck AND, rather importantly, disordered/distorted/disfigured in my overall mental makeup. The distorted part seems to cause me even more petrification, I suppose because if a person’s brain isn’t able to think things through in the right and orderly manner from one minute to the next then that same brain and mind, too, are going to be left in a state of utter despair, utter mental… bargaining to feel some sort of balance that just is not there. And especially when added to that the imbalance, in the first place, still adding more and more layers upon layers to the mental fear caused in the first place by the disorder. This is all I have to say about the ins and outs of OCD for now. But, rest assured, I will go again. I have worked so, so, so very damn hard for this and I will not let it run amok anymore. However difficult that very thing is to achieve, I got this!