The truth is I’m tired of being on the brink of OCD recovery, and by that I actually mean recovery in so far as I’ve tried to take everything on board and realise mentally JUST HOW irrational and caught in a loop the whole OCD cycle of thought is. I might have to bow out of rooms, of conversations, of many things, but I am always going to be the one having to silence that once upon a time uproarious imbalance of brain. It’s a murmur right now, and it’s my murmur. OCD isn’t a person, a thing, anything at all that needs describing. It’s a mental imbalance that hot-wires the sufferer’s brain like no-one’s known business. It is akin to taking on a monster of mind in sorts, though, in so far as your brain has been dismantled and left in utterly anxious limbo. For me, it’s been that way for as long as I can remember. It’s made me me, sure. It’s made me one of the proudest, most hard-thinking, hard-working, and caring people I know. It has taken my mind to places of indescribable mental anxiety. A thousand bathroom mirrors begging for my mind to go to a place of relative normalcy. A million moments trying one last time to figure it all out “and then I’ll be okay.” A thousand runs to bring it almost down to even less than a murmur of thought. That imbalance will NEVER BE FIGURED OUT, though. Like, never! However it’s as real what’s happening inside of the brain for an OCD sufferer as real could ever really get, only of course on an entirely mental level: the shooting, misfiring of miscalculated thoughts, etc. and followed up fear and hell bent anxiety and at any given time. This isn’t about ploughing on regardless for me, this is about living with all that OCD entails. With all that I entail. Not rethinking and focusing on all that it took and still takes because, to be honest, my mind and brain have been through way too much over the course of my life to just suddenly start thinking: “ah, but what if this wasn’t a part of me?” There’s no point in trying to wish away a story that has been a huge part of your life, a hugely significant influence over everything you have done and still will do. I accept it, I accept all of the ways it has sent my brain. I accept that it’s been hard for others to comprehend, but I also accept JUST HOW HARD I have tried all of the time to not have to try so very hard anymore. You are trying to teach yourself to turn off an imbalance of brain which won’t ever really be turned off, not of course unless the actual imbalanced parts somehow, someday, end up being able to get perfectly reconfigured, realigned, or whatever, for the sufferer, or as close to that thing as humanly possible, by an operation in the brain. Medication has been HUGE in my instance with the OCD, no two ways – minus that it really would be no use whatsoever. Anyway… you are often numbed, you are often toiled with, but you are NEVER not you. Just you and the imbalance learning to live together. Deep, yes. And who knows how I might have even turned out minus this odd bastard of a disorder. I’ll fight to make it make more and more sense for doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc., because nobody should have to go through what my brain and mind have gone through. What millions of people’s brains and minds have gone through. Because this really isn’t about me in the bigger picture. Not outside of my explaining this thing called OCD and my hopes, of course, at personally recovering as well as many others too. Well, then it has to be about me somewhat I guess, right? It’s just not right on a billion different levels what happens with it for the sufferer. I’ll never stop trying. And I’ll definitely never stop learning to think in a straight line. Today. Tuesday. What happened? Hmm… I ended up scribbling six poem pieces, had a long nap when I needed it during the day. Took Joey for a decent walk. Ate food, drank coffee, copious cups of tea. Whatever else, I’m sure it’ll come back to my mind one day whereby I’ll be able to actually say to someone what I did with my day whenever they ask. Because people always ask that same damn blasted question 😜 These types of throwaway questions that can cause me such a stir it’s unbelievable. Because you can forget almost every thing, really. Waking up from those naps during the day that I mentioned can be so bloody scary it’s nuts, like your mind literally starts to forget all of the stuff it’s just taken on board the moment your weary head hits the pillow and tried to learn in handling the OCD. The level of limbo of anxious mind you’re in is… not always brutal but, often enough for me, still heartbreakingly… stuck in no man’s land. I won’t let another kid have to deal with this. No fucking way. What I mean is I’ll help if I have to, but neither will I end up preaching about it to all and sundry. I know enough not to end up letting the actual… helping others part of things with this disorder take over my own wonderful mind. And it is wonderful, that much I am sure of. It really had no such choice but to become anything but that thing, to be fair. That would just be a serious waste of mine and other people’s time, too, the recapping it all over again and again in terms of talking, perhaps, yourself back into limbo. Better safe than sorry 🤷‍♂️ 😃 ❤️