Thursday. Went to Ballydehob with Claire, to meet Shane and Ann-Marie. Spent a few hours in Schull with Claire beforehand. Had some tasty coffees and a chowder soup but, my god, did my body feel it from the running during the last couple of weeks too. Legs depleted. Must do up proper eating and exercise plan. Had gorgeous food at Levis’s later on in the evening too. Had a few beers. Covered two of the rounds and gave a ten euro tip on top of the forty a head for meal. Don’t even get me started on that ******* theme around money, as I’ve explained it a thousand times to people, but only ever to be left on deaf ears. Theme is a total waste of time, a tragedy of mental anguish dragged into a holy f*****g shit loop-cycle via the disorder. Just let the imbalance be there, as ever 😃
How OCD interrupted all of the above – something is utterly wrong in my brain and I’m being fed that… belief, that false anxiety since I was a kid. Even before I was a teenager. To calm it I chase it and try to make it ‘turn-off’. Not supposed to be doing this but all the harder when you’re around people as you’re being entirely interrupted from your rumination. No-one’s fault of course. In fact, I’d give a million quid to not have the ruminations in the first place. Obviously. But then, ain’t that the utter, utter aim for an OCD sufferer? The utter dream scenario. In chasing it from Thursday through, let’s say, Sunday, after the meal and night-out in Ballydehob my mind got overwhelmed, even if I knew from experience just how irrational this all was for me to be entertaining. I’ve known this a billion times before but it doesn’t seem to matter EVERY SINGLE TIME. The sufferer’s choice in the matter when it comes to OCD is basically zero, from what I can see in analysing how it works as I go. Or at least near to zero in my chronic instance. A horrid part, too, is the utter mental anguish and all the time. People don’t see that and neither do I ever really get to get away from it myself. I am fighting a mental fight which is intensely lonely, which is brutal and all of the more for, from what I can see, such a smart and caring, loving and hardworking kinda guy. It ain’t a silent loneliness either, as it’s forever fuelled by fear, fear, fear and figuring how to stop that actual fear. And, what’s more, this is happening to someone who wants to do a million more productive things with their time, their mind, only they inevitably end up wasting it all on the disorder like no-one could ever even begin to believe 😊 Honestly, I’m sick to death of talking about OCD by now. And I’ve tried to leave it alone, to leave it right there – untouched and, therefore, unprovoked. But that is THE HUGEST ASK OF A SUFFERER IN THE WORLD, as it turns out. That’s good that I’m sick of it. At least that’s a real feeling right there. You do not actually get to have many real feelings with OCD. I’m angry at what it’s doing to my brain, of course I am. I’m just totally tranquillised by the medication, which is good of course, but also I’ve been seemingly too totally stuck in this disorder of the brain and its theme, etc. and for far too many decades to suddenly just… be able to… reboot my whole goddamn brain and mindset. To move on, if you like. Once and for all. To actually let my personality… take part in the whole thing. I do everything with it. Because my personality gets the tiniest look-in in the world, really. But with this disorder it interrupts your brain even before anything has started to even begin to happen. So, what is real worry, fear, anxiety supposed to look like? My mind doesn’t even get to learn that part in the whole process of a human’s brain mechanisms, it having timed-out already and gotten itself stuck in OCDLand. Bloody hell. What is even a real, unperturbed thought?! What is… even a… thought that takes shape over time, makes its own mind up, so to speak? I’ll take anything except for this because what I have to take is… heartbreakingly unfair for my own mental state of mind, but also heartbreaking that I have to simultaneously be watching my life’s experiences fall away right before my very eyes while the imbalance continues to distort and, what’s more, mentally anguish EVERYTHING. There’s no win, really, with OCD. ‘Cos even though I’m on disability welfare, which I deserve one billion percent to be on and am very thankful for receiving, I feel bad about that situation itself and prep myself all the time for what people might say and think. “Why can’t you work?” A simple passing question from them but, for me, a question, amongst many, many others that can and will set my OCD off. OCD is on… extraordinary alert and will take anything with it. Truth is, I’ve gone to a depth with my mentality which I’ve no real interest in being any part of, ‘cos none of it is actually even productive, progressive, etc. I don’t work because I am, as it does turn out, living with one of the most mind-destroying disorders out there. That’s why. And I know no one really judges me as much as I assume, but I do, because it’s the opposite of who I am, this whole OCD debacle. Basically the imbalance is so engrained and trained inside of my brain, and mind too, it seems, that… I truly don’t get to know which way is up. I don’t even know if I’m okay to go to sleep at a certain time,beat at a certain time, etc., etc. in case I’m making the wrong decision. In case… I’ll be missing something catastrophically important and it’ll all be my fault what will occur because of that, and on and onnnnnn it goes. WTF??! I know. This should have just been a great weekend in Ballydehob with great, great friends – who, by the way, I really have no interest in running the whole OCD thing by them time again anymore because I know it will just go nowhere of any use to anyone but back inside of my head – but not to me. I mean… there were moments for sure. Fleeting *******, though, that they are. My anxiety didn’t even start anywhere near being in Ballydehob. Not on Saturday, and not the previous Thursday either for that matter. It started and didn’t stop for me… just under three decades ago, really. It doesn’t matter where I might be, doesn’t matter the ensuing experiences that can add to the weight of the imbalance all the more, but the truth is I can’t think for myself and am all too often finding myself one-billion steps ahead of myself but totally against my every will, too. Searching for that utter disaster and trying to stop it in advance from happening. So neither is it like I choose that way on purpose, so I’m not looking for excuses for myself, even though I should have all the excuses, all the frustration, all the time in the world to sleep, to run, to do whatever I need to do to keep my mind… relatively okay. To keep the OCD at bay, if you will. Because very little of what I do is what I might actually LIKE to do. It’s all of it working around, or even off of, at this stage an outlandish mental imbalance, which means that it will usually put paid to any real experience being anything other than mentally agonising for me. I know it’s made me a strange kind of a smart person and that’s not to sound in any manner arrogant because, well, a lot of this wasn’t my choice either and, rather, it owing itself hugely to an insane level of having ended-up analysing EVERYTHING all of these years, decades… and neither am I able to utilise any of it in a beneficial manner because I’m too addled with the OCD in the first place. It’s really only like a getting a short window to what I might feel like with OCD calmed to a suitable extent. Without OCD, even 🤩 But the damn window closes ALL THE TIME without any choice of mine. But it’s also made it impossible for me to trust my own brain and, what’s more, have a clue what people might think of me, let alone what I might like to think of myself. How do you learn to like a brain that spends all its time in agony and trying to… not be caught in mental agony? The only person who doesn’t seem to get to realise they are even sick, let alone at what ACTUAL level of sickness with the disorder and at any given time frame, appears to be the sufferer, because we are being led to mentally believe one-billion-percent by our imbalanced brain that WE ARE RIGHT TO BE TRYING TO CORRECT THIS IMBALANCE THAT’S HAPPENING IN OUR BRAIN!! Like trying to solve a math problem that doesn’t even make sense of itself in the first place. A math problem that isn’t even ever going to be correct ‘cos, well, it’s just… listen, OCD is abstract in the truest sense imaginable
