This is for people to read if, well, it all gets too much for me inside of my head and I can’t get right ever again. Which hasn’t happened, and it won’t happen because, well, that’s OCD 🤷‍♂️ Might seem far-fetched? It’s not. OCD. What it can do to a brain. Okay, so mine has been happening as a disorder and imbalance since I was eleven as far as I can tell. As well as a disordered brain that is… 29-years of my mind attempting to figure-out the answer to sOmeThing so as to settle my mind, ironically enough in the first place, because of the OCD. Now, for the fallout. The mental fallout. My mind is habitually stuck on different moments and experiences in my life all the time, like college for instance. And my mind can get utterly stuck trying to figure-out how I might have been able to figure something out throughout the day and way, way back then. Enough so I won’t ever get mentally stuck again. It’s like I’m beyond the whole ruminations and my brain has realised it’s illogical crap but still… is stuck therefore where can an imbalanced brain go but… a little too lost I suppose you can say. I am trying to fix the problem by eating into the problem more and more. This is the “meticulous madness against our utter will” inside of an ocd mind. It’s NOT perfection-seeking. Not. For. A. Split-second. We perfect nothing at all by doing these things. Go figure, because I surely can’t. It’s hugely habitual now owing to the hijacking of the brain by said OCD all those years, decades. Going in spirals til my mind is once more utterly fried and discombobulated and all awhile STILL searching for that calm/answer = illogical misfiring of the brain’s anxiety in the first place. That’s what it can do and it can also wreak havoc on the present tense, in so far as I try and watch a film, telly series, anything really with a story to it, and my upset mind is absurdly intent – if it doesn’t I’m utterly f*cked – on figuring-out the way of the script, the way of the end scene, how the director actually had to have achieved doing it that particular way for it to work out that particular way in the movie. HOLY ****!! This obviously makes the enjoyment of watching anything extremely difficult for me. It also makes you feel like you are literally tasked with trying to defuse a ticking time-bomb and you have absolutely NO previous experience at such a thing. Obviously. And if you do not figure it out? That’s the level of OCD fear when really ramped up, I guess you could certainly say. And all of the above is really just supposed to be you watching a film with good mates at the cinema. Why does my mind/brain end up automatically trying to find these impossible to answer answers? Or at least impossible until you’ve ACTUALLY SEEN THE GODDAMN FILM AND TAKEN ALL THAT HAPPENED IN IT IN. Why is it being challenged like this? All I can say for sure is that my mind has no other source of thought pattern right now but for that anxious misfiring of brain and, therefore, my being seemingly left with this utter need to figure something out… or else!! Shit. Hits. Fan. Well, why not figure the whole world out while your boggled mind is at it then, seeing as it can’t stop thinking and trying to find BALANCE OF BRAIN somewhere and somehow anyway, huh? That problem-solving thing can become a film’s whole bloody inner workings and intricacies from start to middle to finish and a billion thoughts beyond it, it seems, in this instance. Whenever I turn on a film of any real depth. Don’t even get me started on game shows 😱 Sad, really, because I love depth in these things. In many things actually. This is all rather impossible in a word, really, and certainly on a mental level. I cannot explain just how pummelling that is to my brain but I can, I suppose, explain that it is happening because of the ALWAYS-ON imbalance that surely is swimming throughout my brain at this stage and utterly habitually locked-in too, as I also mentioned. This all begins again and again with each brand new day, and I can even have days where my brain is calm because I’ve tried to let it all be there, which is literally like sticking your goddamn finger in a dam and hoping, please God, that the dam actually will not burst, it’s that mentally taxing, THAT anticipatory of utter danger happening – the imbalance begging to be settled/figured-out. Days when I am downtown and KNOW in my mind that this is in fact as simple as going to the shop to pick up milk and what ever else might be needed for the house. Of course this makes you forget things in the long-run. What does the imbalance do to such an experience and on a mental level of feelings? Well, in my instance it has my brain on utter petrified alert and, therefore, I am doing something UTTERLY wrong until I CAN ABSOLUTELY fix it. “Will I spend too much, too little, people then think I’m being too tight?” I’ve believed – my brain HAS believed owing to the OCD onslaught – since I was eleven years of age that I WILL END UP HOMELESS if I do not figure out… a way to NOT end up homeless. That’s just my stupid paralysing theme that came to fruition in a manner that only a debilitated brain knows how it actually happened in the first place. Almost thirty-years of THAT particular rumination! But, again, the level of mental discombobulation and mental pain and panic is… way beyond the mere themes. Mere? Phew!! Not that mere, either, in terms of their utter brain-locking nature on the sufferer. It’s inexplicable. Barbarically so. All we can do is tell the people that we care about and are lucky enough to still have in our lives, even, that there is an imbalance happening, the rest of it entirely up to us to try and settle down… somehow. Like turning off a mind-bomb of our own, in-fact. Truth! My ruminations and themes are absolutely f****** nauseating and utterly non-sensical and all that goes on in my brain, really, most of the time. Potential lost? I can’t even begin to imagine on that score. I mean, I’m fine with it, I have to be. But the imbalance appears to also be working off of the exact same parts of the brain, as far as I can tell, where most people are able to make these choices, etc. with utter, utter ease and move along with their day. That’s… ugh. So, really, all of the basic mental faculties necessary in a person seem to have been barb-wired in a person with OCD and flung around inside of their head like a snow-globe and, therefore, we are left to pick up the outrageously scattered pieces and to try and guess our way forwards amidst utter, utter mental misdirection and distortion. That’s OCD. I don’t wish to put my family, let alone anyone else, through this ordeal any more than I want to have to be pulled through it myself. It’s kinda perversely comical, actually, if I were to, in fact, look at it from an outsider’s perspective. Which I kinda do try and do with the onslaught of scribble, I think. Only thing is, the imbalance HAS in fact given me a million perspectives on many a thing, just that… I can’t really seem to enjoy any of whatever those feeling might be like for myself, let alone make it part of my mindset going forward, etc. I’d give everything, EVERYTHING to be able to somehow someday handle it and that is the ultimate goal. Maybe I have already given everything. Of every single sufferer of this particular mental disorder, they must learn to handle it as best they can manage. That’s their lifelong goal and challenge of brain. The imbalance is all that others will ever get to see, I know that now. We, the sufferer’s, however see and experience a hell of a lot more. All of it mental but of course it will eventually end up taking its toll on your physical well-being as well. Health, fitness, stopping smoking etc., even though I’m down to about four smokes a day. That’s not easy when smoking has always been a huge crutch for calming yourself to a degree. Also, none of these ‘traits’ are a choice of the sufferer or anything to do with their personality’s makeup, so, yeah, being referred to as having “an unusual mind”, “a cerebral mind” by a neighbour is all down to the OCD 😒 It’s not in our minds that it is happening. The imbalance is happening in our brains. I cannot say that enough times, ever. The hardwiring is utterly discombobulated, frazzled, blah, blah… … … . We do appear to be the ultimate court jesters indeed. The clowns tasked with juggling a thousand balls, all of them inside of our mind in this instance, and if one falls… 😱 🤡