I can’t quite wrap my head around something which isn’t supposed to be wrapped around. The imbalance is improving, but it’s still a serious nuisance. A serious energy-taker whether I am with people or on my own. It’s not normal, not fair. What I have to do to wait impatiently on an imbalance to correct itself. But it’s not even the missing everything, it’s simply and agonisingly the actual mental pain that comes with this ocd. My mind knows what to do.. but then there is the imbalance- plain as day and for so very long in-built and trained into me. It’s like.. asking a speeding train to stop only it has no actual brake mechanism. That’s it. That is what this disorder of the brain does, and I often forget just how severe my disorder is. Because I’m too busy ruminating. Possibly the most severe case of ocd out there, does mine appear to be, because no one, and I mean no one who I have ever come across to date with this disorder has it so very… all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME. I can’t any longer share my life between almost getting better and getting sucked back into a mental landscape wherein it is a miracle I am not bedridden all the time. I am not bedridden all the time for one sole reason, because I know EXACTLY WHAT IS IN ME. My intelligence, my humour, my get-up and go; it’s all there and it is the very precise reason why I have somehow, and I really cannot understand how exactly, never been able to let myself give up. I couldn’t. I can’t. Ultimately, you are trying to help yourself- all the rest: the people, places, things about the place? It’s just outside happenings. The world happening. And, Holy shit, do I crave to enjoy it all. I crave to enjoy my good, good friendships. The people who I love so very dearly and for standing by me and TRYING to understand. Yes, my story is a horror story of unexplainable angst but that is literally no real part of the real me. An imbalance at the centre-point of the brain wherein all the main thinking faculties of a human being reside. Mine, hijacked and sent spiralling to find a sense of balance. And I know it, feel it. Struggle to even know what I have been talking about with people quite often because my mind DOES NOT KNOW how to straight-think. I was never told, or rather never allowed to learn that people are actually supposed to think in a straight line. I never got that actual memo. Well, maybe I got the memo alright but… it was all placed upside-down and left both severely and horrendously askew and impossible to make sense of.

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