I don’t know any more ways to do this thing with the damn OCD. I don’t know what the fuck to do – to stop myself from ruining Mom’s head and pretty much ruining mine all the while. I have tried everything… and that thing massively multiplied. I have done the scribbles and become obsessive about this in its own right. Have become obsessive about pretty much damn EVERYTHING my mind can think of. I haven’t yet learnt the simplest of grammar because I just cannot, that is the fact and the matter all in one too many goes. I also know that by this stage I am dragging the bones out of the scribbles, that’s as obvious every single day to me… even if I can even forget such a thing and immediately at that. There is literally about, hmm, five-percent of the real me – i.e. my unprovoked mind – getting anything real regards unprovoked feelings and emotions out of things. I can’t just stand there and let the imbalance wreck my head all of the more, which it utterly does when I don’t do a compulsion to calm it  all down in the first place. That’s, yes, a hard thing to take but at least let this thing not rule my entire being, and please let it do some kind of miraculous thing at this stage, really, in allowing me to be and feel like the real me. I cannot be petrified all of the damn time every minute of every single day. I know it is layered – like mother fucking crazy – and I know – not at all really though – that it is seemingly always just gonna boil down to this damn OCD thing. That is… fucked. Utterly fucked. How do I stay myself by actually going against all of the imbalance in my brain that is automatically – I think, at this stage – provoking me to do the aforesaid compulsions in calming itself down? Everything IS in fact on fire inside of my head – on a mental and physical level – that just the way it has pretty much always been, since the damn age of eleven. How is someone supposed to walk with something so soul-destroying that they cannot get to themselves however hard they try, have tried, and in my instance for over three decades of my life so far? What gives?!! Mom, I am truly sorry XXXXXXXXXX Always have been and most probably always will have to be, but to thank you to eternity for always, always, always being there and believing in me. It means the world multiplied by a trillion, actually ❤️ And that automatically makes you an unreal and inspirational person on so, so many levels