The particular themes which my OCD imbalance brings into constantly uncontrollable chaos. Money – I eventually have to make sure I don’t spend that piece of cash that WILL end up making me eventually homeless, and this in turn makes all of my monetary dealings of any kind – big, medium, or tiny – feel upside down and to the actual extent where I cannot even mentally stop myself at any given moment of any day and understand just how much I have actually spent, how much I actually have in my wallet, bank account even. As in it spirals into believing I’ve NO MONEY IN THAT MOMENT and, therefore, how on earth am I supposed to get to another place without money for a bus to get home, pay rent, etc. As if zero money in my account can only ever mean… homelessness, no way back, for examples
Food – I have to make sure the fridge is not empty, if it is… all hell breaks loose. So this will cause me to be petrified whilst buying any amount of food, my imbalance at this stage with the theme believing wholeheartedly that I am going to make a crucifyingly incorrect decision in my shopping. I.E. I didn’t spent my fair share of the food budget that particular week and, therefore, everything will fall apart, as in someone might think I’m being tight, which I certainly am not, and they will eventually kick me out of the house, and then that may as well end up playing into the fear of ending up homeless. And around and around the imbalanced, fear-stricken brain goes, ultimately trying, above all of the themes at hand, to find a calm that doesn’t appear to naturally exist in an OCD sufferer … .
Washing Clothes – Am I washing too much clothes, wearing too many socks that need washing ‘cos they are smelly or whatever. That if there are too many loads I will be told I’m wasting water, wasting washing up powder, etc. Like I’ll eventually make that catastrophic error that my brain is CONVINCING ME I CANNOT AFFORD TO DO – NO FUCKING WAY!! – and I’ll get… reprimanded and told to learn how to wash THE EXACT AMOUNT OF CLOTHES from no on and to NEVER, EVER AGAIN GET IT WRONG, or else! My imbalanced brain won’t let me stop and actually make decisions in the moment with these TRULY menial tasks in my day.
These have been the themes for as long as I can remember, and will be there even if I were given a billion euro in my account. EXACT SAME FEARS, WORRIES, ruminations to fix it, eventually. When all that you are ending up actually fixing, OR NOT, is your imbalanced thoughts and triggers. Even if I offered to either pay for all of the washing up tablets, paid for all of the week’s food shopping, the themes will continue on in my imbalanced brain. It’s irrational but happening in a part of the brain where rational thoughts are supposed to take place, and the places where a person is supposed to learn and move on to the next thing, etc. And there have even been times where I’ve actually ended up begging – not too erratically – to pay the whole bill for, say five couples in a restaurant because I just can’t handle it in my mind any more of the imbalanced catastrophising regarding how much I might spend. What that amount of spending will do to me. I.E. utter disaster happening
Yup, that’s it, the themes caught up on utter OCD imbalance and bewilder.
