We are walking into a shitstorm of brain just begging to be ignited. That’s just how chronic OCD can be for a sufferer. You’ve done the exact same thing a thousand times and, yet, this one feels different. Or rather than different perhaps just… goddamnit perversely repetitive and yet STILL NEEDING TO BE ADHERED TO because, well, the OCD brain can forget in literally an instance that it is not supposed to be on absolute catastrophic edge. That can be during as simple a task as cycling downtown to grab potatoes for dinner, which I just did. And my mind was searching, searching, goddamnit searching for a sense of calm. A necessary sense, absolutely, because with the imbalance at the core of all of this disorder, even the sufferer’s brain goes automatically looking for that necessary calm. And the rest? Well, as seen before, or at least inside of the sufferer’s head, a shitshow like NO OTHER. Minus even any input whatsoever from the person behind the brain. The person being left dumbfounded time and time atop also being dragged round and round and round and round by this ungodly disorder. That’s… petrifying… that you’ve to continue to play this godawful game somehow concocted by your own brain until you can reach some kind of mental calm yet again, only to try and bask in it as best you can, or can’t, as the case will often than not be. These mental moments of credible enough calm are literally about as rare in experience for the sufferer as gold turning up in a homeless man’s pocket, really. That’s the truth. We are pretty much always on some level of mentally provoked and begging-to-be-much-more-provoked OCD. At least that is how I am. How it’s always really been for me. Since the age of eleven. The disordered thoughts and themes over the years managing to eventually and inevitably, of course, latch onto absolutely bloody ANYTHING that might get to actually come to mind outside of, let’s call it, OCD-Land’s effed up mental puppet-show. It’s… about as mentally runaround ragged as a thing can surely get. You won’t have time for anger or whatever that even is because you’ll be too busy, like I’ve said before, trying to cease this… catastrophic thing your brain is convincing you WILL happen from happening. Guess what? Catastrophe IS already happening and all owing to this disorder in the first place. You get the guilt along with it too, of course! You thought the theme, so why on earth WOULDN’T you be to blame? It is, after all, YOUR brain coming up with this shitshow time and time again. Sometimes I even touch my temple to maybe get to turn it off, or at least silence it for a moment, as in to walk for a moment minus it managing to all the more latch onto my everything. Yeah, sure it’s made me into a seriously thoughtful person, when I can actually maybe perhaps get to think properly, that is. And sure it’s given me maybe a million… amazing feelings amidst it all that I’d have surely never, ever experienced minus the OCD. Maybe there’s a better word for that than ‘amazing’. But it is all of it worked for, excruciatingly so. In truth, these notes in my website are basically here for myself to reread so as to remind myself that I do in fact have a mental illness in the first place. Yeah, OCD is… impossible and takes, in truth, a mental strength that I don’t appear to quite have. That isn’t meant as any such sort of a sleight whatsoever on myself. What I meant by this is the mental ability to… somehow… really well and surely make the disorder… stop for myself. What I do do is maybe much more mentally remarkable than actually allaying it near enough to… totally?! But then, you can’t allay it totally, can you? And yet… I feel right there many times. Many sufferers will feel the exact same, of course. Will have near enough the same sorrowful story of mental bombardment. These people are my people, in this fight against OCD at least. These people, as well as myself, have earned… respect, even if we can’t get to really feel or see it much of the time. Truth is, we’ve kinda well and truly lost our shit a million times over and most probably will continue to do so. And picking up pieces is hard to do when pieces are still falling apart at the seams as we go. But, yeah, you have to, have to, HAVE TO march on as well as possible. I think I’ve earned a break from this whole explanatory charade. That the correct way of saying it? I dunno. It’s tiring and wasteful of my time, and I know this too. Still happy, though. Still… thankful. Still trying to be as good as can be with this thing for ear-aching company