Perhaps… or maybe ABSOLUTELY I write the way I write because of the influence of OCD on my mind. It is fast-paced and imperfect and utterly rhythmic, for myself anyhow, is the scribbles and I like to chase that all of the time. The sentences can often come automatically at this stage in proceedings, same with titles for poem-pieces, but I also know that that need not be the case all of the time. That I can write however I feel fit to do and whenever I feel fit to do. With the OCD, I am of course trying to live as well with the imbalance as humanly possible. Have been doing so for damn well most of my life, and absolutely ALL OF MY ADULT LIFE. And it isn’t easy, of course it isn’t, but what it is is utterly incredible that my mind and personality have not thrown in the towel by now. Can I say why? Probably because even at its very worst I do know deep, deep down inside of my mind and brain, too, that a person isn’t supposed to feel any level of mental fear that has them ONE-HUNDRED-PERCENT believing that catastrophe is occurring, or will occur. As in… game-over, whatever that even means in a literal instance. Death, I suppose, and that the imbalance lends itself to a rabbit-hole which eventually brings that same level of… mental feeling regarding a catastrophe happening – only all of this inside of the head of the sufferer with no real physical place to go for itself – to the stage of UTTER CERTAINTY. Is it like the strength of this utter belief on the sufferer’s part is at the same strength as, let’s say, how a dream can feel outlandishly as if it is ONE-BILLION-PERCENT real and happening and to the person at that point and time in their mind? I don’t know for sure, really, but I still am willing to put that thought on the whole thing out there. Why that level of discombobulation and TOTALLY DUMBFOUNDING belief inside of a sufferer’s head? Probably because… the part of the brain that is imbalanced is at an area – prefrontal cortex – of the brain where a person gets to make many of their most important minute-to-minute, habit-making decisions and that that part is UTTERLY lit-up with non-stop levels of anxiety and, as a hard-hitting and often-times immediate result, it has no, let’s say, Landing-Area for its state of calm to come to fruition at all – as in that does not actually exist/work right for the sufferer, again owing to the initial imbalance that is diagnosed as OCD, in this instance for me. I cannot find a code to correct it, even if that sounds and feels like the absolute right and, what-is-more, only thing that I can do to get to, let’s say, myself with this disorder still playing a misfiring part. I know what it is, I know how it works, but besides the imbalance which causes the fear on a loop that causes the unearthing of a rock-solid and uninterruptible theme that the suffer ends-up unwillingly adhering to, I want to know why the hell this need for… meticulous and mind-pummeling symmetry happens atop all of that. A symmetry that helps absolutely NOTHING! Probably because, well, if a brain spends THAT MUCH TIME trying to figure-out what the hell is wrong with it in the first place it will eventually get itself caught in aforesaid loop of anxiety and, therefore, distortion, and eventually a need for any kind of balance, i.e. symmetry will take hold. That is my lot for today on the subject of OCD. Happy-out and just picked-up a pair of Firetrap jeans from Sports Direct. Fingers-crossed these mother-fuckers fit to perfection, ‘cos I goddamn hate shit jeans! And I am due a deadly pair… .

 

So, yeah, the Jeans? Bit baggy, all-in-all, but extremely cozy given the weather over Xmas. Hmm… I give ’em a strong 6, pushing at a 7 out of 10.

 

Naaaaah… they’re like fecking flares!