Yes, my brain is in pain and, yes, it is in need of a level of utter mental nurturing that only I can ever give it, obviously. It will always be there to some exacting extent, the OCD, and that is okay too. Really, it has to be. Your choices do appear to be indeed limited in a mental instance. As I have said many times before, I have managed to, I feel at least, eke out a good and content enough life for myself, rather liking to even have to feel a need to live vicariously in my mind and sense of happiness at other people’s stories they tell me, other people’s night’s out and experiences they might be having for themselves, etc., etc. That is what it is like, and I am zero-percent angry with it and also know just how much I have taken from it in trying as truly best I can at making myself as good and decent a person as I can possibly be. Duly noted. A hard-edged person in many ways perhaps at the core and even rather… automatically paranoid to some or another pulsating extent, for sure, but also… kind and caring even when it hits like a ******* bolt out of the blue to the head. Sure, it will utterly feel like it has a thousand in-roads, a thousand any-which-ways that my imbalanced brain can, and will, tempt me back in. Why is that exactly? Probably, in all honesty, because there is seemingly a thousand damn ways it can do such a thing to my mind. It’s pretty much impossible for me to try and explain it to myself, really, and having to end-up doing that almost a thousand times a day, even, such is the outlandish nature of this disorder happening at its very core, will never help anything. Just maybe… bathe the foundation level of pulsating anxiety somewhat, if only for a while. Even if it feels it utterly should help in every way possible, my doing that particular thing… soothing everything that is going-on and wrong in there in the first place. Who the hell wouldn’t do such a thing with all of their best intentions at play? I both know this, albeit in an all too immediately forgetful instance, and I absolutely do not know it either. That the strength of the wraparound characteristics of this particular beast at play. I do, of course, want it to one day feel like nothing, really, other than a whimper even on its worst day, which it can also often enough become for me, I guess, just to mention that fact as well as anything else, and I do take those moments and treat them like golden moments of invaluable calm for sure. How could I not try and do such a thing for myself? And I also have to remember that it is, in-fact, a chronic mental illness in the first place and that that is precisely the very reason I am unable to get better to the preferential extent I might want and with all of my being. I mean, I can, and will, try and try and try… again and again with all that I’ve got and in absolute spades. Always. But, yeah, it is exceedingly impossible on my brain and mind to do anything much beyond hold it all together for myself even at the best of times, too. It’s a distortion, a crazy and all-encompassing brain distortion that has held almost all of me back, but I do it anyway. I have to because I am all too aware, even on my worst day, just how beautiful this life is. Just how… truly brilliant I am even allowed to get to choose to make it feel for myself. How could I not know such a thing, what with what I have watched and witnessed my mind and brain go through for over three decades of my life so far? What would it be like to tend to all of every day, week, month, year minus a lurking mental imbalance that really isn’t supposed to be there AT ALL, AT ALL in the first instance? You do end-up of course understanding the profoundly obvious waste of time that it is spending time being anxious in your own head, even if neither can you step away from it and help yourself to the greatest and most opportunistic extent imaginable. This became a perverted game of absolutely no choice in the proceedings for myself a long, long time ago – a game of… outlandish mental master****, maybe? I mean, I am all in, all day, every day, and ready to take all that I can from this thing.