The imbalance won’t let me just understand things and, what is more, learn from them and move on. As in, I cannot watch a film without my OCD brain not being able to feel it HAS TO figure out how the director has made it, with all of its every single nuances, etc. – start to finish and back to front, and how it was all planned-out to get the film to the next scene and so on. This is horribly hectic for me. For my mind and brain. Naturally, I’d be able to think these kinds of things through in any which way that a normal, non-OCD brain would do, but instead… because I cannot do that in the first place I mistake this for disaster… because I’m not able to come to any kind of conclusion/calm inside of my head. These are all just the themes of the mind which the mental-illness automatically takes a hold of. A very strange and mentally painful place to find your brain and mind at, for sure. Therefore thinking that you NEED to understand everything about how the film is unfolding, which makes enjoying a film almost impossible and extremely knife-edged in a mental sense . This is supposed to be a relaxing endeavour, too. Watching a film. Also, my brain from the disorder does the same with other things too which do naturally take thinking about in the first place. Only if, of course, you are so inclined. Just because my thought-process is hot-wired and I am not able to even begin to think it through in a normal and rational manner in the first place, this happens instead. Scores in soccer matches, points gained by teams going forward in their respective league, how it will leave the table… but all before it’s even happened. This of course always spills over into chaos and outrageous discombobulation of the thought-process ‘til yours is a brain stuck… hanging in limbo, for sure. It all just starts again and again to get outlandishly jumbled-up in, let’s call it, “what-if”-land of the OCD brain and mind, etc. etc. This is the part of it all wherein I am wholeheartedly supposed to try and let it all be there, ALL OF MY IMBALANCED BRAIN’S misfiring mechanisms/miscalculations and to let my brain and mind find some semblance of a balance, a balance which isn’t there in the first place. To find its own path, I guess you could certainly say, only when there is no actual path. Very, very difficult and very, VERY… much a thing I cannot even trust as the right way to go, as the imbalance rules over all of the aforesaid – pummelling it all before any real and rational kind of mental reckoning can even begin to take place. I just collected my disability welfare (yup, I am on that, even if I forget that I possibly even deserve it more than anyone else… ever 😬 ) and came home after getting a coffee at West Cork Coffee. All this is a trek up Everest in an OCD sufferer’s head. However, also that is what is REALLY only ever happening outside of my discombobulated brain and mind, really. And that’s gutting to witness too. Discombobulating my brain and mind at even the most basic of moments, in fact. On I go. On I will most certainly write and try and relax, etc. etc. 😊