I don’t honestly think that anyone can be prepared for the fallout of ocd. I know what it is and I know what I am supposed to do. However, my brain isn’t adhering to all of the above, hasn’t done for a very long time. It’s been arduous, and it’s certainly been beyond difficult. But I keep doing what I am doing. I love the people in my life. Ross and Baxter. My wonderful family and friends all round. I had to work for that, too, because, well, I was hidden away for a very, very long time. And I get scared and seriously paranoid, as well as hopeful. And excited, too, for my writing. For my personality, even amidst all of the ocd bombardment. But it’s still too difficult, still too strenuous for my mind to have to let it all just Be. There. I truly do hope that I can get there. I’m not angry. I am, however, scared. And I am trying to let the thoughts of intrusion be there. It’s been a discombobulation of a most chronic and life-altering kind, but I won’t give in. I can’t. The ocd is harder than anything imaginable and, yet, on the outside looking in, people think I must be perfectly fine. I’m not perfectly fine. Well… no… … not for a second, actually. I just want to relax and actually know what it feels like to randomly meet someone for a pint, etc. Work and save and spend and go on holidays and take Ross for proper meals, etc. I wanna give that girl the world, and I think I have being doing that as best I can manage anyhow. Because, really, all that I’ve being doing is that: managing. But it’s just like I’m not even there, really – not able to feel it, take it all in. The mental pain is too much. What kind of mental disorder has a sufferer wondering what bottle of champagne to purchase for his family as a thank you as soon as he can start to feel comfortably balanced with their level of ocd?! That’s ludicrous. Why can’t my mind work properly? Why can my mind not actually succeed in overcoming these intrusive thoughts? And, above all else, why can my mind not get to a place where it can actually finally enjoy all of the support and friendships I have carried throughout it all and at face-value. You don’t get to feel like yourself with ocd. All you get is illogical and tWisTeD instances of non-stop mental wonderings. And why? But all because of a bloody seriously severe imbalance at the core of your brain. The parts of your brain you NEED THE VERY MOST. I have tried to make my mental landscape more positive. The scribbles. They do just that thing, surely. But, I have to ask: why will the mental rumination and utter discombobulation not cease?!! Please? It’s too much work for nearly nothing.