Tom’s and Sandy’s wedding afters. Got bus to Cork yesterday, then train to Dublin, then Luas to Tallaght. Had a shower at the BnB on booking in, got a taxi to The Plaza for seven. Only had maybe five drinks all night, had great fun with the lads, and I seem to be able to leave a really good impression with the people I meet. So, all in all, a lovely Saturday night and home now on the train from Heuston.
OCD== So, here’s what was actually happening in my mind with the OCD that whole time. “Something IS going to go wrong, so I have to sort it out, or else… .” I literally cannot help this from happening. So all the stuff I did yesterday eventually derailed in so far as my mind just had to look for a calm it doesn’t have in the first place and owing to the imbalance. Always owing to the imbalance. Then… the rest is just constant distortion of the mind. In my instance it’s that I’m going to end up with no money and no money equals… who knows what it equals. This theme is heartbreaking for my mind. I can’t often enough convince myself how much I have in my account, wallet, can’t simply know that you spend what you have and you budget. I could be given a billion euro and I’d still feel all this stuff with that theme of ending up broke, homeless, etc. it can pick on anything then. All just illogical but happening precisely where my brain needs to be at its most logical. A spanner in the works and I worry about never living well with it. I want to. I truly do. I know that but the disorder eventually wins-out. The straight-forward, most basic actions get thrown around in my brain and scrambled and it’s literally like juggling a billion thoughts and fears even though this is all happening when I’m doing something as simple as talking to a friend. Anything. Simple as that from a sufferer’s explaining of it. Always as simple to explain as that actually. Al asked about it, and she really thinks she might have OCD, she seems to have the same traits and I hope to God she gets that checked. She’s felt that way for a long time, I know that much. Either way I’ll try and help her as best I can. I don’t like knowing she goes through that for herself. Of course I wish this away, but I accept it for what it is, even when people wonder why I don’t work, and I get flustered all over again. How do I explain OCD if I can’t even explain it to my own mind? There was a tone yesterday when, I suppose you could say, the OCD wasn’t winning. As in I knew it was all a big imbalance. 😊
